Jake Watch | Stalking Jake Gyllenhaal Daily

Just kidding on that last one. THIS is the last post.

2010-05-12T17:27:00.015+01:00

Remember when we told you Jake Watch was ending? And remember how we said, "The 'why?' of it all is very complicated, but perhaps to your surprise, one reason directly involves our biggest undertaking ever...and yes, it is directly related to Jake and Jake Watch."

And then remember how we said, "Who knows? We might be back."

What? Did you think we were joking?!

Jake Watch: The full story.

Available in paper or plastic!

(For more, check out www.imstalkingjake.com.)

PPPY3487SUCB

The Last Post

2007-11-02T03:40:00.002Z

The complete archives are linked in the sidebar, but here are a few posts to get you started...

"Welcome Fellow Stalkers" (April 3, 2006) - And britpopbaby said, "Let there be Jake Watch."

"Quote Of The Week" (April 3, 2006) - 29 minutes after the first post, the Quote of the Week is born.

"Blatant Stalking #1" (April 3, 2006) - 1 hour after the first Quote of the Week, the Blatant Stalking Files are opened. Along with it comes the first posted picture of Jake.

"Sock Watch" (April 3, 2006) - 15 minutes after "Blatant Stalking #1," the cult favorite of Jake Watch is unveiled. (britpopbaby was very busy that first day.)

"Brokeback Mountain DVD Released Today" (April 4, 2006) - But more importantly, Heath Ledger turned 15.

"Blatant Stalking #2" (April 4, 2006) - The sign around his neck says it all.

"The Free Boo Campaign" (April 5, 2006) - "Boo Radley is not a free dog."

"Branding" (April 6, 2006) - The start of the franchise.

"Whose Idea Was This, Then?" (April 8, 2006) - Because people who take bad pictures of Jake must be held accountable.

"I Think It's Time We All Tried To Be Better People" (April 9, 2006) - Jake on the issues! And the official launch of the Sunday Project.

"Jake Watch Is One Week Old Today" (April 10, 2006) - The first of many anniversary celebrations.

"Sock Watch #2" (April 10, 2006) - The notorious ankle sock.

"It Had To Be Done: Boo Watch" (April 11, 2006) - Jake Watch expands.

"Off Topic: Another Gyllenhaal Coming Soon!!" (April 12, 2006) - The first mention of the Gyllengaard.

"Our Newest Feature: Back Away From My Man!" (April 13, 2006) - It would go on to be a classic.

"Sock Watch #3" (April 14, 2006) - The Non-Sock Watch.

"Jake Morphing Into Obi Wan Kenobi" (April 19, 2006) - The beard gets out of control.

"Um...I Think Jake Just Slipped From Deity to Mortal" (April 19, 2006) - Two words: orange spandex. Just Jared takes notice and Jake Watch reaches a new level of prestige.

"Rubric Rodeo! What?" (April 20, 2006) - Caption it!

"Ding Dong The Beard Is Dead!" (April 21, 2006) - Temporarily.

"Boo Watch: Peter Sarsgaard Not At All Impressed With Boo" (April 25, 2006) - His expression says it all.

"Virtual Jake" (April 27, 2006) - Just as creepy as it sounds.

"Sock Watch #4" (April 28, 2006) - We still don't know what color that is.

"Yeah, We Know" (May 1, 2006) - ...that Jake has an attractive M-shaped hairline.

"That Man Is A Cycling Machine" (May 1, 2006) - The title pretty much sums it up...and kicks off the Summer of Non-Stop Biking with sidekicks McMatty and Livestrong.

"Jake Watch Gets Its First Official Scoop" (May 1, 2006) - And its first mention of Claptrap.

"Jake Stalked By Non Jake Watch Operatives" (May 3, 2006) - The agent angle is revealed.

"Let Us All Just Take a Moment" (May 10, 2006) - " ...to remind ourselves why we are here..."

"The Jake Secret Project" (May 10, 2006) - Genius! If not copyright-questionable. Over 50 cards would eventually be submitted.

"Funny Secrets" (May 11, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 1.

"Fears" (May 12, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 2.

"Because I Love You [Now Deleted]" (May 13, 2006) - Picturegate! Jake Watch publishes a photo of Jake and his dad and all hell breaks loose. Long term effect? We're still assessing...

"Dear Jake" (May 13, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 3.

"Mature Secrets" (May 15, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 4.

"Dogs, Parents, Beach, Dill, Smiles" (May 15, 2006) - Because there was a time when Jake's beard was called "Dill" (naming process here) and there was even a blog about it (now defunct).

"Boo Watch: The Case Of The Missing Puggle" (May 16, 2006) - Jake Watch Super Sleuths.

"Stephen Secrets" (May 16, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 5.

"A Jake Watch Exclusive" (May 16, 2006) - Someone agreed to answer our questions...

"Misc. Secrets" (May 17, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 6.

"Jake Eats Cupcakes!" (May 17, 2006) - The first appearance of the now-legendary Sprinkles.

"This Made Me Laugh" (May 19, 2006) - Brokeback Bunnies.

"A Jake Gyllenhaal Masterclass: Flirting 101" (May 21, 2006) - Learn from the expert.

"Fan of the Week" (May 24, 2006) - Short-lived, but still an honor.

"The Not Sponsored by L'Oreal Hair Survey" (May 30, 2006) - Who doesn't love The Wet Effect?

"Blatant Stalking #4" (May 31, 2006) - Not even at the Oscar's can Jake escape.

"Ready For Some Crazy Talk?" (May 31, 2006) - Because Jake really does look like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

"First Official Jake Watch Stalking Mission: Failed" (June 1, 2006) - Prophecy Girl goes to LA and eats cupcakes.

"There Is a God AKA Sock Watch #5" (June 2, 2006) - With...clogs?!

"Funny Or Not So Funny" (June 5, 2006) - Uncle Jack Nasty becomes Jake Watch's foremost Fake Jake MySpace nemesis. He would later be taken down, resurface, and then re-taken down.

"The Secret Life Of Jake And Maggie" (June 7, 2006) - Damn you, Peter Sarsgaard!!

"Why Don't We Step Up Our Weirdness?" (June 9, 2006) - The Gyllenhaal Junior Sweepstakes, AKA guess Maggie's Baby's Name and win a t- shirt!

"Stalking By Professionals" (June 10, 2006) - These people put us to shame.

"I Forgot About This!" (June 12, 2006) - Jake Watch is reviewed by Bloggy Award and, to the surprise of everyone, is labeled "obsessive."

"Sexy Secrets" (June 12, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 7.

[No Corresponding Post] (June 14, 2006) - Jake Watch launches its first message board, now affectionately known as The Old Forum.

"The Awesomeness Of Anneka" (June 15, 2006) - Anneka blogs the MTV Movie Awards.

"On A Serious Note: Jake Looks Like Simba? Discuss" (June 23, 2006) - Continuing with the Disney look-a-like theme, although getting creepier by the minute...

"Jake Walks Down The Street With A Bottle Of Water...Again" (June 23, 2006) - That's really about as exciting as it ever got.

"Last Night's Poetry Affair" (June 29, 2006) - Some people went and they saw Gyllenhaals.

"Jake Sets A Bad Example To Us All" (June 30, 2006) - Safety first, Jake!

"OMG, Jake! You So Have To Frickin Buy One Of These!" (June 30, 2006) - Or don't, because we bought one for you!

"Star Trekking Across The Universe" (July 1, 2006) - The beard is back.

"Jake Watch's Second Official Stalking Mission: Success!" (July 4, 2006) - Prophecy Girl was not involved.

"Sock Watch #5 (which is actually #6)" (July 12, 2006) - K-Fed Edition.

"Jake Gyllenhaal Gets A Preview Of The Final Harry Potter Book - Harry Potter And He's Gonna Die, OK?" (July 13, 2006) - Spoiler alert.

"Wait A Minute Mr. Postman" (July 14, 2006) - The Boo shirt!

"Jake (Watch) Wants You!" (July 15, 2006) - Prophecy Girl makes her debut, both in JW blogging and in defaming iconic images by Photoshopping Jake's face into them.

"Atticus Vs. Boo: Is Jake Showing Favoritism?" (July 15, 2006) - Boo gets his own MySpace profile.

"Prophecy Girl Watches ESPN!" (July 17, 2006) - It was the first and only time.

"Problem-Solving Exercise: Jake's Wardrobe" (July 18, 2006) - Not only does Jake wear the same thing over and over, but now Jake Watch is at www.jakewatch.com.

"Strange Coincidences In History" (July 21, 2006) - Jake meets John Lennon.

"No News Is...Good News?" (July 21, 2006) - More on the hair.

"Blatant Stalking #5" (July 22, 2006) - The nefarious Green M&M.

"Slow News Day?" (July 24, 2006) - Jake Gyllenhaal: The Multitasker.

"My Lucky Day! AKA Sock Watch #6...Or #7...Or Whatever!" (July 25, 2006) - Midnight black...with sandals.

"OK So Some Bloke Called Stephen Gyllenhaal..." (July 31, 2006) - ...gave Jake Watch an exclusive interview!

"Jake Called In To Give Mel Gibson The Ass Whooping Of His Life" (August 1, 2006) - Mel deserved it.

"Jake Watch - How? Why? What the Hell?" (August 1, 2006) - The least you need to know...

"This Is The Most Fun I've Had Since Baggage Claim" (August 2, 2006) - PAPARAZZI BINGO!

"It's T-Shirt Time Which Is Kinda Like Hammer Time But Not So Much" (August 3, 2006) - The original Jake Watch tee (now worth thousands).

"The Sunday Project...With Prophecy Girl!" (August 6, 2006) - Jeans, jeans, jeans.

"For Your Eyes Only: Agents In Action" (August 8, 2006) - How Jake Watch agents really spend their time...

"Good Night And Good Luck" (August 9, 2006) - Jake Watch implements a no-tolerance rule regarding the discussion of Jake's private life...to much controversy.

"In My Bid To Make Jake Watch Famous..." (August 15, 2006) - The Jake Watch cocktail. Instructions for "The Notorious J.B.G." are in the comments.

"Jake Watch's Domination Of The World Continues" (August 18, 2006) - Jake Watch gets e-mail addresses at its own domain. It's a new era in professionalism.

"The Day After Tomorrow But Yesterday Because I Thought It Was Tuesday" (August 19, 2006) - Anneka's first movie review! Part 1.

"To Be Honest, I'm A Little Disappointed" (August 20, 2006) - Tattoogate! Countless IMDb posters think Jake has tattooed "britpop" down his arm.

"Agents What Is Going On Here?" (August 22, 2006) - The tattoo controversy falls apart.

"The Day After Tomorrow Review Continued And Contrived" (August 23, 2006) - Part 2.

"The Day After Tomorrow Or Maybe Before Britpopbaby's Nervous Breakdown" (August 27, 2006) - Part 3.

"What? You Want More?" (August 29, 2006) - The Day After Tomorrow, Part 4.

"Woohoo! Jake Watch Makes The Press!" (August 29, 2006) - Jake Watch makes it into ElleGirl Netherland!

"Blatant Stalking...I Really Should Go Back And Categorize These Damn Things" (August 31, 2006) - Everyone's favorite, the Seagull of Malevolence.

"Is It The End Of The World...Or Just Anneka's Review?" (September 1, 2006) - The Day After Tomorrow, Part 5.

"Oogle With Google" (September 9, 2006) - What pops up when you Google "Jake Watch?" Weird shit.

"Emergency Sock Watch" (September 11, 2006) - Jesus Christ, he's not wearing socks!

"Zut Alors!" (September 12, 2006) - The premiere of The Daily Jake Watch.

"Britpopbaby's Secret Past" (September 14, 2006) - The shirts are ready!

"The Not Entirely True Story Of Jake's Life" (September 17, 2006) - Anneka blogs Jake's biography.

"Off-Topic: Is Heath Ledger Growing A Mullet?" (September 20, 2006) - Who would have thought it'd go on to be our third most Googled post?

"So Close Yet, Oooo, So Far Away" (September 23, 2006) - Jake sells himself for charity.

"Sold! Jake Gyllenhaal For $6,601!" (September 26, 2006) - And to think that bid was later retracted and he went for less. Sad.

"We Got Your Back Little G!" (September 28, 2006) - Jake Watch discusses gifts for the Gyllengaard.

"I Like To Thank The Academy, My Agent, My Grandpa Buster" (October 3, 2006) - Jake Watch makes it to 6 months.

"It's A Girl!" (October 4, 2006) - Jake Watch is the first on the internet to announce the birth of baby Ramona. It would come back to haunt us.

"Agents In Action: Part II" (October 7, 2006) - More behind-the-scenes action.

"Actual Behind The Scenes Action" (October 11, 2006) - That time that US Weekly got involved...

"Guess Who Went To The Premiere Of That Film About French People Where Everyone Has American Accents?" (October 14, 2006) - Prophecy Girl! And Jake Watch gets its first exclusive celebrity pictures (not of Jake).

"The Sunday Project: Six Month Anniversary" (October 15, 2006) - The Jake Watch-approved lifestyle.

"Prophecy Girl Gets Really Close To Jake And Then He Completely Ignores Her" (October 17, 2006) - Probably the most famous non-meeting of Jake Gyllenhaal's career.

"PG's Official Poetry Report: Recently Declassified" (October 18, 2006) - The absolute height of Gyllenscandal: Babygate.

"The Mother Of All Exclusives" (October 21, 2006) - The best interview Jake never gave.

"Just FYI" (October 23, 2006) - Ramona's red panda.

"October Sky Part 1" (October 2006) - Anneka's back!

"A Halloween Film Pitch For Jake By Britpopbaby" (October 31, 2006) - britpop rewrites Carrie.

"What With It Being November And All" (November 1, 2006) - October Sky, Part 2.

"Jake Watch Election Day Special!" (November 7, 2006) - Everything you ever wanted to know about American politics.

"It's Still October In Movie Review Terms" (November 11, 2006) - October Sky, Part 3.

"Yeah, You Think You Know Where These Pictures Came From..." (November 15, 2006) - The first hint of the Jake Watch movie (outside of The Old Forum)...

"I'd Like To Be The First To Review Zodiac" (November 18, 2006) - Jake Watch is always on top of things.

"Whose Idea Was This, Then?" (November 21, 2006) - The post that comes up when you're Googling for Jake porn...

"Agents In Action: A Word From Your Leader" (November 22, 2006) - Time for a little regrouping.

"Biography" (November 23, 2006) - It's all true!!

"Yes! I Rock!" (November 24, 2006) - britpopbaby gets interviewed by associatedcontent.com.

"Sock Watch: A Drama" (November 29, 2006) - Sock Watch has never been so scandalous.

"Agent Initiation: Robert Downey, Jr ." (December 2, 2006) - Because he has Jake's back.

"The Jake Fan Survey" (December 4, 2006) - Just a few questions for you to answer...

"Jake Watch News" (December 9, 2006) - You asked the questions, we answered them!

"October Sky Review Part 4" (December 10, 2006) - Pretty much what it sounds like.

"Hey, Jake's PR. I'm Billing You By The Hour For This." (December 11, 2006) - The first (and only) comprehensive analysis of Jake Gyllenhaal fans on the internet. Complete with pie charts!

"Jake Watch Uncovers Scandal!" (December 14, 2006) - Jungle Jake!

"International Jake Day" (December 19, 2006) - We wanted to do something nice for Jake's birthday, but instead, we just put up this post.

"Yo Ho Ho Ho" (December 24, 2006) - It's Christmas...Jake Watch style!

"Back To Business" (December 29, 2006) - If you ever wondered about the many style transformations of the blog...

"Auld Lang Syne, Dudes" (December 31, 2006) - Jake Watch rolls in the New Year.

"Film Secrets" (January 1, 2007) - More Jake Secrets!

"A Pointless Exercise In Gyllenhaal Heritage Studies" (January 9, 2007) - Proof that Jake Gyllenhaal really does resemble Jake Gyllenhaal.

"In Fromage" (January 13, 2006) - BPB and PG compose a rap in honor of Jake's impending "Saturday Night Live" appearance.

"The As-It-Happens SNL Recap" (January 14, 2007) - Complete with ratings and more rapping! Two weeks later, the blog would be revamped SNL-style.

[No Corresponding Post] (January 15, 2007) - The new Jake Watch Forum opens for business and the old one becomes obsolete.

"Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God" (January 18, 2007) - Jake shows up in GQ Magazine.

"Zodiac? Who Cares About Zodiac?" (January 18, 2007) - Jake Watch: The Movie, AKA The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies AKA TDATND, starts getting heavy promotion...

"Um...Do You Guys Know What's Going On?" (January 20, 2007) - BPB and PG are kidnapped. Gasp!

"Initial Status Report" (January 23, 2007) - After days of chaos, the mysterious Number Six (whose user name is later changed to "Jake") takes over all posting on Jake Watch.

"Boo Watch: Is Boo A Republican?" (January 24, 2007) - The biggest political scandal to ever hit the Gyllenhaals.

"Paramount Brings It, Jake Watch Brings It Harder" (January 30, 2007) - The TDATND/Zodiac promotional war rages on as Jake Watch opens website after website to compete with the big guys.

"Hello My Dahlings" (January 31, 2007) - Madame Swiss joins Team Jake Watch, and tackles those pesky romance rumors.

"About" (February 1, 2007) - What do you want to know? (The number of blogger profiles can be deceiving.)

"Jake Takes Time Out Of Busy Shooting Schedule To Make Jake Watch Premiere" (February 2, 2007) - The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies, Part 1 is unveiled (a complete movie script written by Jake Watch for Jake Watch).

"Worrying Times" (February 8, 2007) - Archnemesis Uncle Jack Nasty is back!

"The Most Exciting News Since This Time Last Week" (February 9, 2007) - TDATND, Part Deux!

"Celebrity Skin: Hold Me" (February 10, 2007) - The first (only) official Jake Watch Book Review.

"Gimma A B! Gimme An A! Gimme A F, T, A And A Lowercase S!" (February 11, 2007) - Anneka live-blogs the BAFTA's!

"Wow, Paramount. Just...Wow." (February 13, 2007) - A Sock Watch, clips from Zodiac, pictures from Zodiac...an impressive display from the corporate bigwigs.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Love Jake (Watch)" (February 14, 2007) - The first ever Jake Watch Craft Project: Be Jake's Valentine.

"What?! No!!!" (February 16, 2007) - Part 3 of TDATND.

"Another Jake Watch Exclusive Interview" (February 20, 2007) - Who needs words when facial expressions can say so much?

"The End Is Pretty Seriously Nigh" (February 22, 2007) - The final installment of TDATND, complete with award solicitations.

"2007 Jake Watch Oscar Coverage" (February 25, 2007) - We boycotted. So did Jake. Fuck you, Crash.

"Jake Watch: A Fulfilling Multi-Media Experience" (February 26, 2007) - The TDATND soundtrack is released.

"Jake Week Official Kickoff - Letterman Style" (February 27, 2007) - Live-blogging to commemorate the commencement of one week of incessant Jake interviews.

"Prophecy Girl Reports From The Red Carpet...Or At Least Down The Street From It!" (March 2, 2007) - PG is unkidnapped long enough to fly to LA, miss Jake by 3,000 miles, and get kicked off the Paramount lot.

"Jake Gyllenhaal Esquire, From The Press Pitt Point Of View" (March 6, 2007) - The author of Celebrity Skin gives us an exclusive peek at what it's like to interview The Gyllenhaal.

"Excuse Me, I Have To Call Everyone I've Ever Met Right Now" (March 6, 2007) - Kitty Fangirl makes her first appearance since TDATND.

"Zodiac: Let's Mull It Over" (March 9, 2007) - Jake Watch's first Official New-Jake-Movie Movie Review. It's atypically serious (and long).

** Around this time, Number Six disappears and britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl come back permanently.

"Reel Cinema" (March 11, 1007) - After a slight hiatus, Anneka's October Sky Review charges on.

"Super-Jake!" (March 15, 2007) - The ultimate guide to Jake as a super-hero.

"October Sky: Is This Goodbye?" (March 18, 2007) - The end of Anneka's October Sky Review.

"Once Again, The Paparazzi Lie" (March 21, 2007) - Safari Jake!

"The Gyllenhaal Masterclasses" (March 23, 2007) - "How To Make People Who Are Usually Attractive Look Less Attractive"

"Show Me The Money!" (March 26, 2007) - The Jake Watch Store opens for business.

"Store Post Numero Dos" (March 27, 2007) - Showing off the t-shirt designs.

"(Drum Roll Please) Sock Watch" (March 27, 2007) - Oh, hells yes.

"Quote Of The Year" (April 2, 2007) - Jake Watch gears up to start its first anniversary celebration.

"Happy Anniversary, Jake Watch!" (April 3, 2007) - Jake stops by to say "hi" and talk about his sock choices.

"It's Our Birthday And We'll Photoshop Ridiculous Photos Of Jake If We Want To" (April 3, 2007) - britpopbaby reflects.

"You're All Invited!" (April 10, 2007) - To the play "Three Compañeros," about Jake, Matt, and Lance. And the writer stops by Jake Watch!

"Holy Goose Gog-Eyes!" (April 11, 2007) - Madame Swiss boldly takes on the gay rumors.

"We'll Fight Them On The Beaches, We'll Fight Them At The Smoothie Stand" (April 13, 2007) - Jake Watch starts a petition to take down Jake's lame-ass Official Site, eventually rustling up 242 signatures. The site remains.

"Boo's Mysterious Disappearance Solved*" (April 17, 2007) - Well, not really, unless you believe the Puggles of the Caribbean story.

"OMG, I Have The Best Idea Ever!" (April 25, 2007) - Why don't we nominate Jake for President of the United States?!

"Oh, For The Love Of Boo" (May 2, 2007) - Tachegate.

"There's A Special Place In Heaven For Agents Who Mail These" (May 3, 2007) - Fun with Boo and the U.S. Postal Service!

"Jake Watch Awards Honorary Lifetime Membership" (May 9, 2007) - To Amy Macdonald, for writing a song about Jake.

"Tony Blair Announces His Retirement As Leader Of The British Government..." (May 10, 2007) - And more importantly, SOCK WATCH.

"I Got The Johnson's Baby Powder And The Polo Cologne" (May 18, 2007) - Anneka starts on City Slickers!

"Jake Watch Exclusive!" (May 19, 2007) - And we fooled every last one of you!

"The All New JW.com Means Business" (June 1, 2007) - Jake Watch gets its last new look! Jake Monroe becomes an instant classic.

"Hot Off The Press!" (June 6, 2007) - The return of The Daily Jake Watch. Jake, you naughty boy.

"Frankie Explains..." (June 8, 2007) - Jake's real manager starts writing for Jake Watch.

"Jake Sings Brokeback Theme Song To Crowd Of Millions" (June 10, 2007) - The post that inspired the post that inspired the rumor...

"Ooo, get her!" (June 15, 2007) - Jake Watch reports on Jake's new clothing line.

"Jake and Reese: The True Story" (June 21, 2007) - The Gyllenspoon Cafe.

"Sneaker Watch: Officially Vetoed" (June 25, 2007) - Though that didn't stop the masses from continuing to ask for it.

"PM Backs Young Buck In White House Race" (June 26, 2007) - The Jake in '08 MySpace page (version 1.0) goes live!

"Jake's First Campaign Scandal - We're So Proud!" (June 28, 2007) - The Stewart/Colbert Team starts with the mudslinging.

"The Second Campaign Scandal Hits Hard" (July 1, 2007) - Harry Potter Gyllenhaal.

"Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years Of American Independence" (July 4, 2007) - Happy Fourth of July!

"Paparazzi Get Sloppy" (July 11, 2007) - Grassland Jake.

"Bygone Days" (July 16, 2007) - A history of Boo on Jake Watch.

"I'm Sure You're Sad..." (July 24, 2007) - But don't be! Because we have exclusive Jake pictures.

"It's Okay..." (August 1, 2007) - Jake Watch will get you through the pain of Jake dating with our patented Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit.

"Rendition Trailer: Digested, Discussed, Dissected" (August 2, 2007) - With so long between movies, even a trailer (or something resembling it) gets the full treatment.

"Help! I Need Somebody. Help! Not Just Anybody..." (August 7, 2007) - Madame Swiss launches her advice column.

"Jake Watch Guide To Raceday Etiquette" (August 12, 2007) - Runners unite!

"The Anti-Climax Of The Year" (August 15, 2007) - Hey, is that Ramona's name on that plaque?

"Examining The 'It' Factor Of Two Male Popular Culture Icons In Accordance To The Arbritary Standards Of One Internet Community" (August 22, 2007) - Jake or Zach Efron? You be the judge.

"Hey Jake." (August 29, 2007) - PG announces she's going to Toronto and plays up the pity factor.

"Jake And PG's Excellent Conversation" (September 8 , 2007) - At last they meet! Both are underwhelmed.

"The Official Jake Watch Rendition Post (Spoilers Tagged), AKA The Longest Post In The History Of The World" (September 10, 2007) - Jake Watch's second Official New-Jake-Movie Movie Review...and it's even less funny than the first one.

"Canada Backs Gyllenhaal's Rogue Presidential Campaign" (September 11, 2007) - Jake Watch questions wind up in the National Post of Canada...and are credited to IHJ.

"Sock Watch: A Poetic Vision" (September 13, 2007) - Socks and haikus. Only on Jake Watch.

"That Link On The Sidebar?" (September 15, 2007) - After being cruelly deleted by MySpace with no explanation, the Jake in '08 profile (version 2.0) is recreated and relaunched.

"Fun With SiteMeter" (September 18, 2007) - Our 650th post (!).

"Fuck That Shit" (September 22, 2007) - The last of many, many times we pissed people off a really, really lot.

"Interview Interview!" (September 26, 2007) - Controversy squelched, we get to the heart of the matter.

"Emergency Post On Account Of Us Being Right" (September 29, 2007) - Our (fake) report that Jake was releasing an album of acoustic Civil War songs showed on no fewer than 9 gossip sites in at least 2 different languages and became the talk of the internet.

"Jake Watch Exclusive: More Info On The Gyllenhaal's Album" (October 1, 2007) - Because with attention like that, we'd be fools not to run with it.

"Ask Not What Jake Watch Can Do For You..." (October 4, 2007) - Jake Watch launches its (unsuccessful) bi-country e-mail campaign.

"Quote Of The Week: Donkey Edition" (October 8, 2007) - Jake's Presidential campaign slogan is launched.

"Friday Night With Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively For Jake Watch" (October 12, 2007) - The live-blog returns!

"Showdown: Tonight On Letterman" (October 16, 2007) - The start of a live-blogging marathon...but not the start of anything interesting between Jake and 50 Cent.

"I Would Say The End Is Pretty Seriously Nigh" (October 25, 2007) - The announcement that Jake Watch will be ending soon...but when?

"Romagate" (October 27, 2007) - Who is Jake really dating?

"The Last Post" (November 2, 2007) - And that's a wrap.

Sock Watch: Infamy! Infamy! They've All Got It In For Me!

2007-11-01T19:08:00.000Z

It brings me great sadness to draw a line under this legendary, nay, heroic blog feature. And as I push this small vessel of devotion, truth and odd obsession out into the oceans of web mythology, it saddens me even more to say JAKE JUST DIDN'T PLAY BALL 90% OF THE FREAKIN' TIME. Is it too much to ask to see a man's socks every once in a while? I mean, what do we get today?

NO SOCK. Well, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not above manipulating a situation to meet my own personal goals.

COLOUR: Ape
TYPE: Snuggly, Hairy, Possible stench, Nylon?
HEIGHT: 99% coverage
OVERALL STATUS: WILD!

Quote of the Week: All Hallow's Eve Edition

2007-10-30T22:55:00.000Z

"That is how I see myself most of the time. A Crest toothpaste with bad eyesight."

- Jake "I Really Do Say Some Crazy Shit" Gyllenhaal
source

To put this quote in context, it was preceded by the following:

"I don't think of myself as good-looking," [Jake] admits. "Not at all. When I was a kid I had these huge glasses. I once went to a fancy dress as a Crest toothpaste tube with these huge glasses stuck on."

I can totally see the resemblance. And hey, Happy ~~Halloween~~ Gyllenween, Jake Watch! Casper the Friendly Jake thought he'd float in from the graveyard of dead ideas from last year and extend his wishes, too.

Flashback.

Major thanks to coffeecat. ;)

Jake Takes the Loss of Jake Watch Hard

2007-10-29T14:48:00.000Z

Tragically, though not unexpectedly, Jake Gyllenhaal has spent the past several days on a path of self-destruction, reeling from the news that Jake Watch will soon stop updating.

Let's take a look at the timeline.

Friday*: Jake is seen publicly for the first time since the announcement. Clearly still in shock, he walks around wearing half of an all-black mourning ensemble.
Saturday: Distracted by his grief, Jake commits the costume tragedy captured in the previous post. No doubt his mask is to hide his tears.
Sunday: Having not changed pants in three days, Jake drowns his sorrows in an all-night bender with Danny Bonaduce.
Monday: As Jake takes a day to mourn privately, the following is reported by Variety, "...'Nailed,' directed by David O. Russell and starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel..."

"Nailed." With Jessica Biel. What stage of grief is that?

Aw, poor Jake. We always forget what an emotional effect we have on him. I can't leave you seeing him like this. So I'll leave you seeing him like this:

And we'll see what tomorrow brings. Never a dull moment...

Thanks to heddaparsons for the Biel bit.
* Note that the dates are roughly as accurate as my description of the pictures and my identification of Danny Bonaduce.

Boo!

2007-10-28T20:27:00.000Z

I went to a Halloween party dressed as Jake this year...okay, when I say 'Jake', I really mean a 'battery-powered house that visually impaired me for the night'. I was going to go as a tube of Crest toothpaste but alas, time was against me.

But we're not here to talk about me! What did Jake dress up as for that time of the year where the veil of existence between the living and the dead is at it's thinest?

I don't get it....oh, wait...I think I do! Is this what happens when a gondolier and a Canadian mountie mate?

I'm thinking his dad didn't help him out this year.

Romagate

2007-10-27T12:08:00.000+01:00

Now look, I know you're all talking about it down dark alleys and in disused warehouses but I really could not let another moment pass without addressing it here. I know, I know! We said we wouldn't and we like to respect Jake's privacy and all that jazz, but when these things are staring you in the face, what can you do? If our parting gift can be to hold up the mirror of truth to the faces of denial and perhaps clear the air, then, by god, let me take that bullet.

So, first the airport, then the red carpet and now....the City of Ciabatta:

Just accept it. Maybe this image will soothe the heart some...or cause a seizure, either way....

"I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh."

2007-10-25T04:30:00.000+01:00

I feel shitty for posting this now, as so many are still reacting to Jake's rather sudden plunge back into the world of Celebrity PDA. The post below is not in reaction to any one thing and has, in fact, been scheduled for this date for nearly 3 months now and was written many days ago. So in spite of, not because of, anything else going on right now, we're posting exactly as we originally intended...

***

Hmmmm. Have you ever wondered what life would be like with no Jake Watch?

Well, we have. And as hard as it is for both us for tell you this, you're going to get the chance to experience a Jake Watch-free existence sooner than you might think. When? Well, we'd rather not say. We don't want this to turn into a big countdown, but instead, we're going to continue posting as usual until our predetermined end date...which is pretty damned soon.

We know this seems sudden, but it's been in the works now for quite a long time. The generic "after Rendition" time period has been kicking around for about 6 months, and the actual date for at least three. The "why?" of it all is very complicated, but perhaps to your surprise, one reason directly involves our biggest undertaking ever...and yes, it is directly related to Jake and Jake Watch. Yes, there have been some rough times and yes, we are by and large completely baffled by what has become of the majority of the fandom lately (Jake Watch readers are naturally excluded from this assessment), but a certain celebrity father once told me, "It's all about learning!" We'll talk more about that in a minute, but that's exactly what this blog has been for us: a learning experience, and one that was never intended to continue indefinitely.

We will keep the forum and the store open, and all the MySpace pages will remain active (like we'd let Jake in '08 go!). The only major change will be that the blog will no longer be updated. Which, OK, is pretty major. But we feel that at this juncture, our time and energy are best spent not writing new posts, but working towards new goals, ones which we plan on sharing with you and ones which will continue to involve the britpopbaby/Prophecy Girl collaboration.

In the interest of full disclosure, we do have a couple of things to share with you...

First of all, our biggest disappointment, by far, is that we never accomplished what this blog was originally created to do, which was to give us some semblance of professional credibility, ultimately with the goal of interviewing Jake. We tried very, very hard for you guys, through every avenue we could think of. We went from being to ignored to being rejected (harshly) to being ignored again, with a lot of other being ignored's in between. That was supposed to be our "thank you" for your support over the months and the fact that we never got even remotely close has been disappointing to the point of discouraging. In fact, originally, Jake Watch was going to exist only until we got an interview, but unfortunately, over time, it became clear that our efforts in that arena were going to be fruitless no matter what our methods. So there's that hanging over us, and also the "Jakes and Ladders" board game which, after two months, we just couldn't seem to finish.

Secondly, I, personally, need to address the poetry reading incident because I know there is still some confusion and tension surrounding that. Contrary to popular belief, I did get over it. I made peace with the fact that I was an idiot/misinformed going into the situation and was an idiot/comatose while standing there and listening to stuff that I should have protested against. But I moved on and accepted that I couldn't change what happened. However. Just when I thought things were over....I received an e-mail from Stephen about a month ago regarding that night. Yes, it shocked the hell out of me, too. Despite the fact that it came 11 months late, it was obviously heartfelt and so I wrote him a very genuine thank you e-mail and requested his permission to share with you what he had written to me (considering "asking for permission" is what started this whole mess, I wanted to cover my bases). He did not write me back. And for that reason, I cannot tell you that he thanked us for Ramona's gift and promised to tell Maggie, Peter, and Ramona about it and also apologized for his behavior the night of the reading even though he admittedly had no recollection of what happened. So...you didn't hear that from me.

So once again, I'd like to put that behind us. Jake Watch has been a full education, for both of us, on so many levels, and we are better people for it. When britpopbaby started this site 19 months ago, the concept of a blog devoted to a single celebrity was virtually unheard of. Now, blogs about Jake alone are a dime a dozen. I don't say that to negate the value of these other blogs (there are some great ones out there!), but rather to say that we recognize that we've done what we needed to within this medium for the time being. No matter what came before or comes after us, we can both be proud of the fact that there has never been anything even remotely like this site for any other celebrity. I am not even lying when I say that I am frequently stunned by our combined creative output. I don't care how self-congratulatory that makes me sound. Most people who get paid to be creative don't churn out stuff at the volume we have. But we never intended to continue at that rate forever.

So that's it. You'll know the final post when you see it. Considering it'll be 2009 before Jake's next movie, you could always start at the beginning of Jake Watch and read the year away. Who knows? We might be back. ;)

We'd also like to stress that this isn't really the end of anything, but more like a chance for us to take a new direction. We're not abandoning ship; we're growing.

We would also like to thank you for reading and supporting us all this time. We appreciate each and every person (OK, most each and every person) who came to see what we had to offer and we certainly appreciate, more than we can say, those of you who have become regular readers.

I know "thank you" doesn't exactly equal an interview with Jake, but you know what? Looking back at what we've accomplished, I think we made it alright without him. :)

Post title from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode "Prophecy Girl." In case you were wondering...

Purposeful Diversionary Tactic

2007-10-23T23:43:00.000+01:00

Look! Over there!
It's a Jake interview that we missed in all the commotion! Diversion is a method that Jake is good at, as witnessed by the fact that he responded, "I'd really like to direct someday" to the question, "What turns you on?"

In other news, I would like to congratulate our very own Xenia for braving the freezing weather and witnessing the spectacle that is Jake Gyllenhaal on the red carpet in Rome over the weekend. Good job, Xenia! You can read her exclusive-for-Jake-Watch account in the forum.

And lastly, if you don't know why I'm diverting your attention, you can check that out in the forum as well. Just remember, we did cover this with a disaster plan earlier in the year. We're always prepared. Like the Girl Scouts! Except we're older...and less organized...and some of us are boys.

Picture from Instituto de Hermeneutica Juridica.

Quote of the Week: Make It A Double

2007-10-22T15:45:00.000+01:00

"We just did 'Into the Woods' at the family reunion. Peter [Sarsgaard] played the wolf, and I played Little Red Riding Hood. It's always really intense but really moving. . . . We all cry at the end. When we sang that number, 'No One Is Alone,' it really got me. 'Cause Peter has a beautiful voice -- I don't know if you know that about him."

- Jake "He's such a kidder!" Gyllenhaal
source

Quote of the Week Runner-Up:

“You look like a nice mint chocolate chip cookie.”
source

I would like to point out that the interviewer's reaction to Jake complimenting (?) her so was to blush like a schoolgirl and lose her train of thought. Does no one survive the Gyllenhaal interview process without succumbing to his charm?! For God's sake, he called her a cookie!

Also, the moon project is ON.

"Something about Gyllenhaal's intense yet dreamy and deadpan stare suits him to playing mentally disturbed characters"

2007-10-21T16:57:00.000+01:00

I did not make up that headline, but in fact stole it verbatim from this article, which came with it's own intense-yet-dreamy-and-deadpan-stare Jake picture:

Speaking of food (which we weren't), it's time for the annual ACLU of Southern California Auction! It seems like only 13 months ago that a day with Jake Gyllenhaal was bought by a person in Hong Kong...who couldn't swing it so someone else got Jake on the cheap and then we never heard anything more about it. Clearly scarred by the experience, this year Jake is only offering himself up for dinner. Or maybe it's not dinner, since the actual wording is "dine w/Jake Gyllenhaal" and by my count, that leaves open at least two other meal possibilities. I know what you all are thinking and no, I am not too proud to accept anonymous bids on my behalf. Even if it winds up being lunch.

And lastly, I am genuinely disappointed to report that Rendition is on track to have an even more dismal opening weekend box office showing than Zodiac. Let's just hope Jake's having too much fun with Xenia in Rome to be reading the overnight numbers...

Thank you heddaparsons for the ACLU tip!

So, got any plans this weekend?

2007-10-19T03:45:00.000+01:00

Perhaps you'll go see a movie?
Have fun! Come back and tell me how much you disagree with the review I wrote a month ago. (Although in my defense, Newsweek agreed with me.)

And for those who have not yet seen the already-infamous Ellen interview, here you go (I'm sure the rest of you wouldn't mind watching it again anyway):

Jake Gyllenhaal - Ellen (10.18.07)
Uploaded by Orlandita02

Vid from...of course! IHJ.

Wren Fish Vomiting On...I Don't Get It

2007-10-18T19:30:00.000+01:00

Jake was on This Morning, er, This Morning. I didn't watch it, because I have a job.

I also didn't watch it because Alison Hammond makes me want to gouge my eyes out with forks. Nothing personal. I just don't appreciate how someone off Big MUTHAFUCKING Brother gets a career interviewing Hollywood stars. Like I said, nowt personal. At least they didn't talk about baseball.

Excuse me now, I'm going to eat a Dib Dab. And I need both hands.

Remember that time that Jake hosted The Daily Show?

2007-10-17T23:02:00.001+01:00

Probably not, because it never happened, although my backlog of Photoshop files does suggest otherwise:
Before we get started, I need to give a SERIOUS shout out to Danielle of the Sarsgaard Soiree and Nicole of this post who met Jake today as he was going into his taping of "The Daily Show." They stuck around to see him after the taping, too, and Jake noticed, telling Nicole she was "a good fan" for waiting. I'm going to overlook the soul-crushing bitterness that comes from Jake having never said such a thing to me (ahem) and say good job girls! I'm not the least bit jealous. Here is the fabulous video (thank you Danielle!!):

And so tonight marks the third and final live-blogging experience in the Rendition Publicity Blitz, referred to in some circles as "Jake Week." We don't refer to it as such in our circle because on Jake Watch, every week is Jake Week. This week is just a week where our posts come later in the day than other weeks.

Three hours to go!

Two hours and forty-five minutes later: An announcer tells us to stay tuned because "Jon picks up what Jake Gyllenhaal puts down." I can't even begin to guess what that means.

10:00 - Yes! A show that starts at a semi-reasonable hour! This week has taught me how grateful I am that I don't live in the Eastern time zone.

10:01 - After mentioning Stephen Colbert's Presidential campaign, Jon promises to ask Jake if he's ever "sucked a fuck." He mentions Donnie Darko chatrooms (what?) but not Jake Watch OR JAKE'S BID FOR THE PRESIDENCY!! Son of a BITCH. We're going to come up empty on this aren't we? The opening was RIGHT THERE!

10:06 - An R. Kelly impersonator sings a song about Senator Larry Craig, leading me to believe this is going to be a stranger than usual Daily Show.

10:20 - The pie chart scene. I think I could recite this scene from memory at this point.

10:21 - At long last! And thanks to the video above, you already know what Jake is wearing!

10:21 - Jake and Jon "woo!" at each other. Jake calls The Daily Show "the rock show of talk shows" and then they do monster truck announcer impersonations together.

10:21 - More Red Sox talk. Did I mention my lack of baseball knowledge (*cough*interest*cough*)?

10:22 - Jake cracks a Giuliani joke. (Ooh, political!)

10:22 - Jake says "Gyllenhaal in the Green Monster" and I'll let the context of that slide for the moment.

10:24 - Jake and Jon discuss their sporting challenge (continuing from Jake's previous visit to the show). Jon calls Jake "virile" and a woman in the audience calls Jon "decrepit." Snort.

10:25 - Jake calls Meryl Streep a bitch. HA! He then says "She's a hot bitch."

10:25 - Jake concedes that Meryl's discussion of the film makes it unnecessary for him to talk about it. As I said in my post yesterday. So where is the campaign talk?!

10:28 - More focus on the Colbert Presidential campaign.

And then it's done and all of those wonderful opportunities to plug Jake in '08 are suddenly gone. And Jon never asked about Jake sucking a fuck. And I still don't know what the announcer was referring to in the promo before the show (unless it was just generic announcer talk). I officially give up! I'm also officially going to bed. Good night!

Daily Show vid from Comedy Central.

Jake Gyllenhaal on Conan O'Brien (bitches!)

2007-10-17T02:00:00.000+01:00

After perusing the Google searches that led people to Jake Watch over the past 24 hours, I decided to make the title of this post as Google-accessible as possible for the searchers of the next 24 hours. The "bitches" part was added for a little Jake Watch flavor, lest some unsuspecting soul overlook Jake Monroe in the header and think we have journalistic credibility (God forbid).

And the picture of Jake has nothing to do with anything (it's from yesterday) although, to me, he totally looks like investment banker but the time crunch (less than three hours to go!) made it impossible for me to Photoshop him onto a pile of money and/or give him some large bling, perhaps in the shape of a dollar sign, in time for this post. I mean, I could easily do it in three hours, but then this post would be delayed and you'd be forced to go someplace else for your pre-Conan chatter. Someplace that didn't greet you with the word "bitches."

Obviously, the excitement (i.e. lack of sleep) from yesterday's Letterman appearance has dulled my cognitive abilities, which is why I'm writing random paragraphs about investment banking in a post devoted to Conan O'Brien. I shudder to think what that will mean for tomorrow's Daily Show live-blog; it might just be crazy enough to resemble something that came out of Jake's mouth. Ha! Just kidding. Sort of. OK, seriously, I should try to take a nap or something. Someone wake me up when it's 11:35.

Hours later...

Fun factoid: One year ago yesterday, I toured NBC Studios and stood inside Conan's studio. One year ago today, I was in the audience of "The Daily Show." It's like Jake just lives his life 364 days behind me.

OK, and can I point out that Stephen Colbert was on "The Daily Show" tonight considering a Presidential run. Goddammit, Stewart, if you can do it for Colbert, you can do it for Jake! Ignoring Jake in '08 at this point is basically criminal. Especially since Meryl was on tonight promoting Rendition and she's already explained the movie (so Jake doesn't have to!). With the movie out of the way, the campaign is just the obvious conversation topic. Speaking of which...

Back on topic.

11:08 - Conan promo. I can't even accurately describe Jake's behavior except to say, "Oh my God!" (That will make sense later.)

11:35 - I have the time wrong again? Why the hell do these shows start at such weird times?!

11:37 - Now we're in business.

11:37 - Ghostland Observatory gets more high-pitched squeals than Jake. I have no idea who this band is, but I'm sure they don't deserve more squealing than Jake.

11:41 - Conan describes Jake as "a big star." I'd say that's a step up from the standard "fine, young actor" he's gotten on every other show this week.

11:54 - Jake's pre-commercial introduction is made by the building's fire safety director. That's gotta be a first.

11:58 - It's Jake! Tie-less.

11:58 - Beard talk. Which gets almost as much squealing as Ghostland Observatory. Facial hair is exciting, apparently.

11:59 - Conan sniffs Jake's beard, fulfilling the fantasy of every reader of this blog.

11:59 - Jake's a Red Sox fan and discusses a game he went to recently (with fans more fan-like than he is). "Green Monster?" I know nothing of baseball. And am showing it now.

12:01 - Oh, and we get the clip from the commercial! It was over a baseball.

12:02 - The baseball story has morphed into the phantom baseball story.

12:03 - "I like Japan 'cause everybody thinks I'm funny there." Jake follows this statement with an imitation of a Japanese laugh which is only slightly more realistic than his imitation of a drunk British woman.

12:03 - Jake didn't work for six months, an experience he likens to "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. He then sings "Crazy" with Conan. And it's crazy.

12:05 - Rendition talk.

12:06 - "My first torture" scene.

12:07 - Jake says (again) he did the movie for that line.

And it's over! So fast! I can't fault Conan for not mentioning the campaign/album because he had no e-mail address for us to write him. Although I can't believe he didn't wear the "I'm stalking Jake!" button we mailed him last March. Seriously. We get no love.

Pic and vid stolen from IHJ.

The Wheelie Bin Ate My Homework

2007-10-16T21:05:00.000+01:00

Some people like to read their movie reviews in The Times, The Guardian or hell, even The Daily Mail (oh my god, did I actually try and make a British tabsheet newspaper gag? Yes! Yes I did!). Not me. I like to get my movie reviews from shallow red top weekly magazines that headline with titles like, "Posh's Life Falls Apart And Her Skin Looks Like Crap And She Is Wearing Crazy Shoes!". So imagine the thrill I got today when I went to pick up one of my favourite aforementioned mags, Heat, and stumbled upon a review for Rendition starring our very own, Bob Gunton.

Now, I was going to post the review here but at some point during the time I left my car and entered my house (distance: approx 2 feet), I managed to recycle said review. Jake would be proud as that officially makes me more enviromentally friendly than him. But here's what I remember:

There was a picture of Jake. They gave the movie 3 stars (out of 5). They said Jake's character was underwritten and he couldn't do much with it. They said Meryl Streep's character was nought but a pantomine villian, thus immediately making my brain jump to Cruella De Vil where upon it shall stay for some months and will inevitably ruin the movie for me as I vainly try to bat away images of dalmations, cockneys and long cigarettes.

What more do you want? Don't say we never provide you with in depth, thought-provoking actual career-related Gyllenfodder.

SHOWDOWN: Tonight on Letterman

2007-10-16T00:41:00.000+01:00

My money's on the white guy.

Is it 10:30, yet?

10:26 - TV Announcer: "Dave's all new tonight with Jake Gyllenhaal and 50 Cent!" As if the magazine cover wasn't advertisement enough.

10:30 - What? The news is still on? Damn, I always forget these late night shows start at 10:35. My bedtime was 30 minutes ago.

10:35 - Ooh, the Lotto 5 drawing! I'm still poor.

OK, here we go!

10:36 - Jake's the headliner; the audience sounds appropriately enthused. And ouch, Fiddy.

10:44 - Dave brings up the 2008 Presidential race...but fails to mention Jake. What. The. Hell.

10:47 - Dave mentions Fiddy (who does not want to be called "Fiddy") before Jake when announcing his guests. As consolation, Dave refers to Jake as a "fine, young actor" and then immediately goes to commercial break.

11:10 - Jake appears, looking dapper as usual.

11:11 - Jakes tells a story about a nightcap in a drawing room (what? these are not words Americans use!) and a woman who's "shit-faced" (now there's an American term). Ha! Jake got bleeped.

11:12 - The story is still being told. It's a long story and Jake does many, many impressions of a drunk, British woman which is pretty much the best thing I've ever seen him do. The punchline of the story is: "You look like Jake Gooberballs." To explain the rest of it would take paragraphs, although apparently such phonetic mangling is the key to his heart.

11:14 - Dave brings up the family. They always seem to pop up when Jake's on Letterman. Jake talks about how Stephen used to make his Halloween costumes (Oreo cookie, Crest toothpaste tube) although his favorite seems to be the time he was a house (?). There was a battery pack involved. Jake describes it as "amazing and traumatic."

11:15 - We get to Rendition. Dave likes.

11:17 - The obligatory clip. Jake quotes Shakespeare and speaks of a love of pie charts.

And then it's over! Yet another failure for the Jake Watch E-mail Campaign. Dammit. Also, that seemed way fast. It took me longer to correct my typos than to watch the interview. OK, that's a slight exaggeration. More tomorrow!

Video courtesy of JustJared!

Quickie

2007-10-15T13:48:00.000+01:00

1. There are more Jake interviews and articles popping up right now than we can possibly keep up with (it confuses us when there is more than one news item per month). Therefore, we remind you to keep checking the forum, which is actually easier on the eyes now since the "image does not exist" thingies are finally gone.

2. For you subjects of the Queen, Odeon cinemas are having FREE screenings of Rendition this Thursday at 6:00 pm. Call your local cinema for locations/availability.

3. Jake in a scarf:
4. Yes, there will be a blog about Jake on David Letterman before the clock strikes midnight (maybe not on the East Coast).

Thank you, Joyce Davenport, for the Odeon tip! Pic from IHJ.

Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively for Jake Watch

2007-10-12T20:19:00.000+01:00

Pre-amble.

Huzzah! Jake has arrived in London; city of cities and questionable Olympic infrastructure spenditure. And thank god he did arrive as it's kind of essential to tonight's post. Nice to see him still using public transport as opposed to propelling himself across the Atlantic on the gusts of his own ego and a flock of underprivileged children as I hear Brangelina like to do.

Pictured above is Jake arriving at Thiefrow (I wonder whose luggage he came away with?). Also pictured is his date that he took to the LA Rendition premiere. I mean, I'm not one for gossip but surely international travel and a red carpet renedvouz in the same week leaves little room for speculation, no?

Well, it's now just two hours until Jake airs himself on BBC1. The other guests include Peter Andre & Jordan who are famous for being orange and tacky, and Jools Holland who was kind of cool in the 80s. And I apologise in advance, as Ambassador of Anglo-Gyllenhaal Relations, for everything Jonathan Ross says. Excited?

Lets rumble...

22.33: Fiona Bruce informs me I can now watch Newsnight over on BBC2. I'm good, thanks.

22.37: Roll credits. I will warn you, Jonathan Ross's studio looks like a crack den for autistic children.

22.38: YES!!!! The Poofs have Jake on their t-shirts!

22.40: Green room. Jake is in there, thank god. Ross makes first Brokeback Mountain jibe. Ass. Jake doesn't really find it that funny. Fortunately we all quickly move on...unfortunately to Jordan and Peter Andre.

22.46: Jake enters, stage left. The Poofs sing Jake the Peg. Inappropiate somehow.

22.47: As soon as Jake sits down Jonathan compliments him on his "manly beard."

22.48: Jonathan asks Jake about his carbon footprint and how being an international jetsetter might impact quite heavily on that. Jake says, "I swam here." Then says he has to go because he needs to swim back.

22.49: Jake adds, "I would swim the Atlantic for the enviroment." I somehow don't believe him.

22.50: Jake says he likes The Poofs t-shirts. Which have his face on them.

22.51: Talks moves on to Brokeback Mountain and Jake says he thinks Jonathan might be gay. Then we are treated to the golden nugget of info that Clint Eastwood has never told Jake what he thinks of Brokeback Mountain.

22.52: Jake is now miming swimming the Atlantic whilst laughing.

22.53: Clip of CITY SLICKERS! Yeah, bitches!

22.53: Quick discussion about whether City Slickers could be considered child abuse.

22.54: Jake states that shoulder popping is erotic.

22.55: We move onto some serious talk about Rendition before Jake randomly asks of Jonathon, "Weren't you offered Meryl Streep's part?"

22.56: Clip of Rendition is shown and as we cut back I swear I hear Jake tell Jonathan he's disappointed that his suit wasn't more colourful.

22.57: Jake says he found food in Marakesh "intense" before going on to say it was mostly rice and cous cous. Jonathan then asks about airplane food and Jake says he wouldn't know because he swims everywhere.

22.58: Jonathan calls Maggie a "hot patootie". Jake is confused.

22. 59: Jonathan asks Jake about his love life on behalf of the ladies and the band. Jake says he's single for the ladies but not for the band. They look a little put out.

23.00: Jake leaves. No mention of Presidential campaign. Fuck you, Ross.

23.15: Jake looks bemusedly at Jordan and Peter Andre as they walk past him in the Green Room.

23.19: I hope Jake brought a pack of cards with him so he doesn't have to watch these four tits.

23.20: (Retraction) Jake just laughed at Jordan's joke. I'm sorry, I now have to jump out a window.

23.22: Jake eagerly offers to be a witness to the fact that Peter Andre just offered Jonathan a "go on his wife." Did you think it would be the BBC that brought out the lewd in sweet, sweet Jake?

23.23: Jake laughs heartily at Jordan's statement that she'd "finish [Jonathan] off quickly." Oh god, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

23.30: Jake is shocked by Jordan trash-talking Posh S[ice. Obviously a big fan.

23.32: Jake is entertained by Jonathan's talk of a "family wank".

23.35: It's all over. I feel dirty. I hope Jake does too. At least he has that swim home to cleanse himself.

Sometimes...

2007-10-11T21:44:00.000+01:00

...we are blindsided by such a mind-blowing avalanche of Jake pictures, such an overwhelming visual cornucopia, such a devastatingly numbing array of new information, that we sit, shell-shocked, and let emotion after emotion wash over us in light of that which is too much for our minds to compute. And then we know, we know, what it is like to be Jake Gyllenhaal.

And in news that is every bit as emotionally stirring, Jake was able to find his car in a parking lot earlier today.
Just kidding. Well, I mean, he found his car (I guess) and it was actually yesterday but that wasn't the news. The news is that while everyone already knows that tomorrow marks the first airing of "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal" what you did not know is that tomorrow is also the premiere of "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively for Jake Watch."

And that's way more exciting than a parking lot.

Pics from someone else's Jake site.

Jake To Star In "October Sky 2: Homer Colonizes the Moon"

2007-10-09T18:18:00.000+01:00

Jake, my friend, I can't help but wonder just what the hell you are doing. According to Variety, you are set to star in a film in which, "Actioner (sic) revolves around a private expedition to the moon and the race for lunar colonization." Seriously. Who edits Variety?

The article then proceeds through a confusing list of other people who have been, are, and/or will be associated with this movie, but only those in a behind-the-scenes capacity (which is worthless for speculating on your possible on-set hookups). That this film has been "fast-tracked" is incongruously reported one sentence before it is announced that you're doing another film first. Again, who edits Variety? And Jake, why am I reading about you being in a movie in a magazine that can't even work up a good announcement about you being in a movie?

But more importantly, why am I reading about this at all? Dude! Perhaps the sands of time have dulled your memory, but there is a perfectly good script waiting for you on some LiveJournal! And what about your album? Priorities, pal! Do you think it's easy to schedule studio time with Timbaland? How about the time that I, personally, have spent with Kanye West, writing lyrics for you:

"The Civil War, yeeah, yeeah. 1861, bitches! To 1865!

Yeah, Lincoln was the pimp, he was a crunk-ass fool,
He thought the South was op'rating by some effed-up rules.
In the blue was the U to the N-I-O-N,
'Four score,' Abe shouted, bitches knew they's gonna win
Against the grey, CSA, the Confederate Staters,
Packed some muzzle-loadin' muskets and put a cap in them haters."

And so on. That has "Grammy" written all over it! OK, I'll admit it. Kayne wrote most of that.

And what about the campaign, Jake? It's all me and brits right now beating down the Presidential trail...and only one of us can vote in the United States. Some people are (dare I say it) starting to think we're making this up. And by "this" I mean, like, all of these outside projects (thank God the French believe!). You're killing us here. By "taking on" these "movie roles," you're make us look like liars. Basically, Jake Watch can't afford for you to keep up this illusion that you're a movie star.

So the movie is out...but colonizing the moon is in. That's your next project. We'll put it on the back burner for now, but if anyone can do it, brits and I can, and then we'll give you credit for it. And be thankful we got you out of that film because dude. We're hoping that the poorly-written Variety article just did a craptastic job of explaining the plot...or else we might be forced to make fun of it. Just a little. Although you would no doubt pull it off effortlessly like you always do. As usual, it is your circumstances, and not you, that we find humor in.

Note to Readers: As with any Jake movie rumor, this rumor has a probability of being between 40% and 75% false, with a margin of error plus or minus 35%. As with any Jake Watch news, anything non-movie related in this entry is 100% true. Always.

Pic from Moon Colonizers of North America.

Quote of the Week: Donkey Edition

2007-10-08T00:13:00.000+01:00

"What do they say, the elephant and the donkey, right? Then Emily Dickinson says that hope is a thing with feathers. The elephant nor a donkey has feathers."

- Jake "I See Beyond Political Stereotypes" Gyllenhaal

(As Gavin Hood responded, "That's way deep.")

While the Quote of the Week was uttered during a press conference for Rendition, Jake was, of course, actually referring to his newest campaign poster and the launch of his campaign slogan:

Quote source: A Transcript of Interest; a slightly more in-depth analysis of Emily Dickinson HERE .

Also, if you were putting off your pleading e-mail to Jonathan Ross (jonathan.ross@bbc.co.uk), then we suggesting not putting it off any longer and immediately starting your pleading. And then repeating your pleading throughout the week. And interspersing the pleading with pleading to other people as the need to plead arises. Thank you.

Gyllenhaal Tries To Appeal To The Gun-Toting and Elephant Humping Masses

2007-10-06T11:22:00.000+01:00

America is a nation clearly divided. Any successful candidate needs to learn to diplomatically straddle the gaping er, gap, between liberal and conservative politics. But how does Jake Gyllenhaal, raging Democrat, attempt to persuade the red states that he loves oil slicks and stirrups as much as the next Bush? With the cunning application of an oral matchstick!! Oh, baby. THIS is the kind of thinking that sets you apart from the other donkeys in the crowd.

Gyllenhaal's previous strolls into 'cowboy terrority' probably did little to win over the more ardent Republican voter, but this matchstick move harks back to the heyday of the macho man, inspired by Clint Eastwood in such films as A Fistful Of Dollars, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly and Two Mules For Sister Sara.

Political commentator, Eddie Izzard, had this to say;

"The matchstick in the corner of the mouth is the eptiome of masculine cool, reminiscent of James Dean. If Jake continues with such mind-blowing political manoeuvres, he will surely win. He must be careful though as one can get too carried away and if he were to stick another matchstick in the opposite corner of his mouth he would look like a dickhead."

Images from IHJ.com, apart from Clint, who came here of his own accord.

Ask not what Jake Watch can do for you...

2007-10-04T22:05:00.001+01:00

...ask what you can do for Jake Watch.

Walk with me, Jake Watch.
Do you see what I have done for you? I have recycled the somewhat (OK, completely) ridiculous schedule that I created for Jake's Zodiac press appearances to make life easier for you and your TiVo:

I have no idea why the PG From Seven Months Ago felt it necessary to put Jake's picture on a schedule that was addressed to him. Perhaps I thought he'd forgotten what he looked like? Regardless, the tradition continues.

(Also, I have a feeling I'll have to update this before it's all over. Dammit.)

So see? Wasn't that nice of me? With the schedule and all? Don't you want to do something for Jake Watch in return? Of course you do.

WRITE THESE PEOPLE!

Jonathan Ross: jonathan.ross@bbc.co.uk

David Letterman: cbsmailbag@aol.com

Jon Stewart: thedailyshow@comedycentral.com

Ellen DeGeneres: Fill out this form.

Or visit the websites of any of the other shows that Jake is going to be on and write in. Tell them you want Jake to be asked about Jake in '08...or his Civil War album. Tell them we're offering free buttons to people who ask him such things. Tell them ANYTHING YOU WANT...as long as it involves Jake Watch and/or Jake in '08 and/or the Civil War album.

Three things:

1. It's going to be two-thousand-and-fucking-nine before Jake's next confirmed movie (i.e. if you're waiting for the opportune moment, this is it).

2. It takes, like, 2 seconds to write an e-mail.

3. Stewart has a rival Presidential campaign, which makes him an easy target.

Do you feel inspired yet? Good. Use that in your e-mail.

OK, that is all.

Pics from IHJ.

Christian Bale Has More Fans Than Jake

2007-10-03T14:43:00.000+01:00

Or at least that's how I'm rationalizing that Christian currently has 10% more of the popular vote than Jake in Entertainment Weekly's riveting Ultimate Male Hottie, 90's to Today Poll (rolls right off the tongue). The poll currently shows Jake as 6th behind Bale, Wentworth Miller, Clive Owen, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp.* Jake's "Ultimate Hottie Moment" (as chosen by EW): "Shaving in a car's side-view mirror, moments before meeting his soon-to-be-lover Heath Ledger in 2005's Academy Award-winning Brokeback Mountain." Seriously? Everything that happened in that movie and they chose the shaving scene?

The Competition:

Christian Bale, who is not releasing an album.

Wentworth Miller, who is not running for President.

Clive Owen, who does not look like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

George Clooney, who does not have an attractive m-shaped hairline.

Johnny Depp, whom it is not possible to find an unflattering picture of (so Willy Wonka will have to do).

True, there are millions of polls every day of the week in which Jake loses (though not usually to Went!) and true, we here at Jake Watch almost always ignore them on account of online polling being subjective and lame on so many levels, but let's face it. When Jake Watch is the source of the news, the news must be pretty damned slow. Ergo, we're covering polling. Just consider it practice for the long months ahead of reporting political polls.

Closer in our future? The Rendition Publicity Blitz! Check back for more appearances, but as far as we know, Jake will be on David Letterman October 15th, Live with Regis and Kelly AND Conan O'Brien October 16th and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on October 17th (*live blogging alert*). He'll also be entertaining the Brits with Jonathan Ross on October 12th (as previously reported), and is scheduled to appear at the Rome Film Festival on October 21st.

Jake Watch is offering an "I'm stalking Jake!" button FREE OF CHARGE to anyone who asks Jake about his new album and/or his Presidential campaign. Dave, Regis, and Jonathan, that includes you. We'll even pay for shipping. Stewart and O'Brien, I realize you already have buttons, but who wouldn't want one more?

*OK, so in the three hours that this post was sitting completed but not published, Depp dropped down the list and Jake moved up to 5th. Such are the complications of writing on such dynamic subject matter!

Jake Watch Exclusive: More Info on The Gyllenhaal's Album

2007-10-01T22:54:00.000+01:00

It seems that there are those out there amongst the interwebs who think that the story we ran last week about Jake releasing an album was false. Oh, naysayers of little faith, I guess you did not realize that we are Jake Watch and Jake Watch knows all. As if we'd ever lead you astray! While there is no official release date set, we did get our hands on an early prototype of the press kit (we're connected), and here's what we found inside...

What an album cover...check out the tiny Abraham Lincoln!

A full song list wasn't available, but we can confirm that Jake will be covering:

- "Comrades, I Am Dying!" (1864) Dance remix being consider by Tiesto (we haven't been able to confirm).

- "The New Emancipation Song" (1864) Produced by Timbaland.

- "Brave Boys Are They!" (1861) Produced by Timbaland.

- "Ashokan Farewell" (1982) New spoken word section composed by Kanye West (confirmed).

- "Battle Hymn of the Republic" (1861) Guest vocalist MIMS (glory, glory, hallelujah, muthafucka!).

We can also confirm that the album notes are being composed by Ken Burns. Burns has been friends with the Gyllenhaals ever since an 8-year-old Jake dug up a piece of scrap metal in his yard and mistook it for a Confederate bullet. Burns made a personal visit to the family home to explain the Mason-Dixon line, instilling in Jake a lifelong interest in 19th century muskets.

Though Jake has not spoken much about his motivation, he did exclusively tell Jake Watch that he hoped this project would revive the traditional war ballads he has always held dear to his heart. While the use of modern hip-hop artists to accentuate an acoustic album of songs written during America's Civil War may seem a little unorthodox, insiders are already buzzing that the unique approach just might make Gyllenhaal the next big name in music.

Thanks to nice anon for the tip on Burns.

Weekend Update

2007-10-01T00:31:00.000+01:00

In case you missed it (I did)...

Jake had a brief cameo on the season premiere of SNL last night. You can watch the video HERE and/or download it for your personal use from Team IHJ (of course). All this brings to light the question: does Jake's resemblance to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad make him more suitable than other Presidential candidates to diplomatically handle the threat of nuclear war with Iran? In addition, will the picture below make Jake more accessible to disenfranchised voters?
True, his cameo was nothing more than a political ploy on Gyllenhaal's part, but one expertly executed and sure to have long-term results over the next year of campaigning. I'll bet the other candidates are wishing they looked like Ahmadinejad about now...

Also, not to worry, the release of Jake's first album ("Jake Sings The Civil War: An Acoustic Collection") will not interfere with his political schedule. I say this to assure those other online communities who have recently shown interest in Jake's musical career.

Thanks to PG's friend Melissa for watching SNL last night!

Emergency Post on Account of Us Being Right

2007-09-29T01:09:00.000+01:00

Oh my God, it's Jake, unposed, and caught in the extremely natural act of strumming a guitar at sundown in the mountains. It's like an ad for people to visit East Tennessee...with Jake! I wonder if he went to Dollywood? It also confirms what we've been saying for the past four months, which is that Jake is going to quit acting and pursue a career a music. He really doesn't do much of anything without telling us. In fact, we're with him all the time. In fact, I took this picture.*

The picture accompanies an interview in which Jake divulges that he is hard at work on his first album. In keeping with the patriotic resolve that inspired his bid for the White House, his CD will feature several covers of acoustic hits from the Civil War era. Listen...I can hear the soft, lilting chords of "Battle Hymn of the Republic" from here...
It's amazing how Interview magazine was able to capture all these secret parts of Jake's life that no one knew about.

Except for us.

Thanks to heddaparsons for the heads up on the picture (courtesy of Interview magazine)! This post is best enjoyed with the Battle Hymn of the Republic link open in a separate tab.

*No, I didn't.

Brokeback Mountain is being turned into an opera...

2007-09-27T02:03:00.000+01:00

...and believe it or not, that's not the weirdest Jake/Heath-related story we have to report this week.

From the Jake Watch Press:

Ledger takes home top prize for World of Warcraft, a defeated Gyllenhaal crashes stage party
Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger participated in the World of Warcraft (WOW) competition at the 2007 World Cyber Games (funding was short so the 2006 backdrop had to be used for the 2007 games). Ledger went into the tournament with a Level 70 Dwarf Hunter and a pet Deviate Guardian Raptor. He is rumored to also hold a Level 68 Druid Tauren and a Level 50 Rogue Orc but, professional gamer that he is, he gave nothing away about his personal life. Gyllenhaal, in comparison, had nothing more than a Level 65 Mage Gnome. Worn out from his defeat and 56 hours of continuous play, a dazed Jake sat on stage during the awards ceremony.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Heath beat Jake?! AND he was wearing better socks?! What the hell, Gyllenhaal? That's it. I am so not letting you come over to play Halo 3 this weekend.

Brokeback story HERE. Unrelated TV news for you Brits HERE - thanks Dee!!

Interview Interview!

2007-09-26T13:44:00.000+01:00

Thanks to the incredible Kitty Fangirl, we have the entire interview up in the forum for your reading pleasure! Also, check out the Interview magazine website for a ~~15 minute~~ 2 minute and 48 second audio clip of the interview which will make you feel a little like you've bugged Jake's phone. Ignore the creepy voyeuristic overtones and you'll find plenty of stuff that's not in the magazine version.

And because no conversation with Jake is without grand revelations and over-analyzed subtext, let's take a look at what we've learned from him this time around. The least you need to know:

- The anonymously-penned introductory paragraph describes Jake as "6 feet tall" and "bigger in life than he appears onscreen." (I can relate to this because when I see Jake onscreen, I always envision him as no taller than 5'11".)

- Regarding the now-infamous opening monologue on SNL, the bit about Jake performing in drag was an afterthought (!). The SNL skit is a recurring theme in this interview; I'm guessing the same wouldn't be true if the singing had not been done in a dress.

- Jake is intimidated by David Letterman (well, who isn't?).

- Jake offers psychological reassurance to Fincher: "I am glad to hear that, because I really thought you needed a new perspective on life. I mean that in the nicest possible way." Finch, dude, I think you just got dissed.

- David Fincher somewhat randomly brings up that he doesn't want Jake's thighs getting too big.

- The previously-published segment on the Civil War and mud-wrestling gives me pause as I draw a loose connection between hand-to-hand combat, trying to kill people on the set of Jarhead, and pig slaughter...

- On a man in an elevator who rented Zodiac: "So I told some people, and they were like, "Why didn’t you grab him by the neck and say, "Where were you when it was in the theater?" Seriously. Why did I not notice this violent streak before?

- On the difficulty of filming Zodiac: "Well, that was just a weird time-Saturn and Mercury had aligned." That was either a random statement, or some brilliantly subversive way to connect astrology and astronomy to the filming a movie called "Zodiac." I think my mind needs to rest after that one.

UPDATE: Apparently the key to that statement is in the audio portion of the interview. That's what happens when you just jump into these recaps all willy-nilly (and when magazines edit out pertinent information).

- Jake reveals that he might have been exposed to radioactive material at age 10 or 11 but seems thoroughly unconcerned about the consequences. It came late in the game, but there it is: the patented Gyllenhaal Straight-Out-Of-Left-Field Interview Moment.

- Fincher: "I don’t remember, but the light caught your eyes in a really neat way." We'll let that one speak for itself.

Jake Steps Out in Non-Lumberjack Garb, Confuses Millions

2007-09-24T13:52:00.000+01:00

Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor best known for being a lumberjack, shocked the nation when he showed up in paparazzi pictures the day before this blog predicted he wouldn't. Obviously conflicted by the recent unveiling of his secret outdoorsy life, Jake, whom we have watched transform from actor to singer to Underdog to logging professional (though always a politician), is giving nothing away about whether or not he will continue to wield an ax in his spare time. All we can say is that we hope he didn't go row-boating this morning in his nice pants.

Pics from I Heart Lumberjacks.

Jake Trades Celebrity Lifestyle for That of Lumberjack

2007-09-23T16:24:00.000+01:00

Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor best known for being a celebrity, was recently interviewed in Interview magazine. The interviewer was Zodiac director David Fincher, to whom the interviewee revealed that he had developed an interest in fly fishing and lumberjacking. A crafty photographer caught Jake in the act of some pretty non-celebrity-like activities (see below) and now rumors are flying that Jake has secretly been engaged in early-morning row-boating activities for years. We can only hope that Jake will come in from the outdoors in time to film Brothers with his brother, or else it might be a long time before the next set of paparazzi pictures...

Pictures from Simple Questions to Complex Answers.

Fuck That Shit

2007-09-22T20:12:00.003+01:00

Oh, that's just perfect. Jake will be in Interview Magazine soon. Magical. Enjoy the following extracts I have exclusively pulled out my ass and have not stolen from another site. Good day!

Jake: we're being recorded.
David Fincher: Exactly, so be very careful. By the way, I finally saw your SNL which I thought was awesome- balls-out one of the funniest moments I've seen on that show in a long time.
Jake: Thanks. I figured, if you're going to do it, then really do it.
David: Well, you did it, and now no one ever has to do it again. (Both laugh) Somebody sent it to me on DVD because I missed it and everyone was talking about it. ..
Jake:...They played the song, we practised it a couple times, and Lorne came up to me and said "You should do this in drag. What do you think?" And I was like 'Fantastic!" And that was it.

Rendition: This isn't some liberal movie or some conservative movie

Jake: There's not just one side to the story, this isn't some liberal movie or some conservative movie - it shows both sides pretty clearly. At first my character doesn't really know what's going on one way or the other, but after a while he discovers what's what. At first, even with all this stuff happening, he supports what they're doing because he's in the CIA. But after a while he realizes it just doesn't work. It's not even a question of whether the guy did what he's been accused of or not - you're just not going to get accurate information from somebody when you're torturing them to the point where they'll tell you whatever you want to hear.

I really want to work though... Let's buckle down and get to it

Jake: I think there are a lot of people who don't learn how to grow up, so I'm in a place now where I feel like the decisions I make will be really good...
David: So now you're like "I feel confident that I'm in a place in my life where I probably, in all seriousness, would have never met you, David." (laughs).."I'm feeling so good about myself that I would have instantly turned down that last script you sent me."
Jake: Shut up...
David (laughs)..No, I know what you mean...
Jake: I really want to work though. I'm so excited to be in a place where I'm like, "Let's buckle down and get to it"... That's where I find myself, and being antsy to commit 100 percent is a great place to be as an artist. That's where you always want to be...

Running is a really good antidote for a mind that tends to spin round a lot

Jake: Well, we were shooting that in the middle of a desert outside of Marrakesh, and I'd go running a lot. I imagine that as a director, when you're filming, every possible second of your time is filled. But as an actor you have so much free time your mind wanders. Running is a really good antidote for a mind that tends to spin around a lot.
David: Yes, and you do tend to obsess a lot, too. This is the idea for me: I don't want to obsess at work. I want to take it home or out into the desert so that while I run I can do, Idiot, why did you say that? (laughs) People try to get me to meditate, and all I do is sit there thinking. You should have started this so much earlier. You have so much meditating to do that you'll never catch up now.
Jake: That's exactly how I think, too. Maybe that's why you and I have this strange cinematic love affair. Did you get my message that I think we should do a Civil War movie together?
David: Yeah. I like that. I know nothing about the Civil War, but every time I see a movie about it, I'm like, Wow, that really happened?
Jake: I thought you'd really be into it.
David: You thought I would appreciate having a group of miserable, blood-covered actors standing knee-deep in mud.
Jake: See, if you put me in mud, you'd see how much fun I could have. But seriously, they did crazy stuff in that way - really dark stuff like engaging in hand-to-hand combat and tearing each other's throats out.
David: But I'm over that kind of stuff. (sarcastically) I want to make stories about love and communication...

Brillant.

This was me acting independently, by the by, so if you want to lodge an official complaint, please email me directly. I won't be able to check until October 13th and I won't care until approximately 11th April 2086.

Quote of the Week: Time Travel Edition

2007-09-20T17:57:00.000+01:00

"That half-conscious state when dreams feel completely real is fascinating to me. At the end of the film, you ask: is it a dream or isn't it? Is this a dream that we're living now? Those questions are really interesting because the unconscious hasn't really been explored yet. People think there's not much more to discover, but there is - there's this fourth dimension, or whatever it is."

Jake "You Just Blew My Mind" Gyllenhaal, on Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

source

In other news, it would appear that a certain friend of ours has landed himself at number 27 on Radar's list of "The world's most overrated people, places, and things" (or "nouns" to those of us in less wordy circles). Unfortunately, I was too busy putting up a new Jake in '08 banner to adequately respond to this bizarre list in this magazine that no one has ever heard of, so Jake Watch is pretending we don't know anything about it.

(Note: We should have said a long time ago that the Jake in '08 MySpace profile borrows heavily from the profiles of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards. We are most appreciative of their unintended aid in all this. It's nothing personal, but the Republican profiles are mostly too boring to parody.)

Fun With SiteMeter

2007-09-18T18:05:00.000+01:00

Congratulations, Jake Watch! This is our 650th post!!

We've averaged 1.2 posts a day for 534 days now (!).

That's a lot of days, a lot of posts, and a lot of Jake.

Jake shows his utmost appreciation for our dedication.

We thought it would be nice to use this momentous occasion to celebrate the unsung heroes of Jake Watch: the people who wind up here via Google searches. I'm not just talking about Google searches for "jake gyllenhaal" (not that we don't appreciate you), or Google image searches, where we seem to pop up all the time (check out what you'll find on page 5!). I'm talking about the people who search for something specific and, for whatever reason, think they're going to find the answer here.

So let's play a game called

Which of the Following Google Searches Have Led People To Jake Watch Over the Past 24 Hours?

(Hint: The answer is "all of them.")

1. The Google search for: attractive m-shaped hairline
- Jake Watch is the first search result*. Understandable, because Jake does have an attractive m-shaped hairline. What's not understandable is why anyone would be searching for this.

2. jake gyllenhaal, boo, what happened
- 1st result, as we should be, since we are the Boo Authority. But in this case, "Authority" is not indicative of having any sort of knowledge on the subject.

3. where is jake gyllenhaal
- 9th result, but you won't find any specifics here. I will, Google Searcher, give you this tantalizing clue: Jake is somewhere on Earth, likely on land. To give you anything more would be unethical.

4. Jake gyllenhaal favourite food
- 1st result, although I don't think we can answer that. I can say for certain, though, that it is not cilantro!

5. jake gyllenhaal nude pictures
- 7th result. Seriously? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I would know...

6. jake gyllenhaal stalking
- Jake Watch shows up 1st...and 2nd and 5th and 10th! Now that's what I'm talking about! I'm guessing this searcher does not need me to elaborate at this point.

7. jake gyllenhaal acl
- 6th result; someone cares about something important (I'm assuming there is a vowel missing and this person is not actually interested in knee injuries)! Thank God, britpopbaby did that one post that one time that had actual facts about Jake on the issues...too bad that wasn't the post that showed up in the search.

8. boys like jake gyllenhaal (do they?)
- 9th result. Who searches via declarative sentences? Google couldn't do much with that. Neither can I.

9. jake gyllenhaal in boxers
- 6th result. Huh. You're a pervy bunch of searchers, aren't you? I hope the Rendition review helped you out.

10. wet cowboy boots pics (what?!)
- 1st result and, I gotta admit, this one actually makes sense. There was, in fact, a post about water, pictures, and cowboy boots. Interestingly, this post also came up under the search for "jake gyllenhaal nude pictures" and "jarhead shower jake" so basically it's the Google version of Jake porn. Awesome!
And the wild card:
11. heath ledger hair loss
- 3rd result (!). We did actually have a discussion on this. It went on for 61 comments. Those were the days...

Also, many of you have asked about britpopbaby. She has not abandoned Jake Watch! She is alive and well but completely without internet access at home, and has been for several weeks now. It is quite the mess, but unfortunately it's out of her hands. She will be back when she is able.

* Search positions subject to change based on time of search and country where search was performed. All of the above searches showed up as a "referral" on our SiteMeter between Monday night and Tuesday night.

Random picture of Jake from HERE. Wet cowboy boot Jake from IHJ.

Film About Brothers Being Looked At By Real Brothers Who Would Play Brothers in the Film About Brothers

2007-09-18T13:47:00.000+01:00

Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal, who are twins in real life, are in negotiations to star in a movie where they would play brothers (although not twins). This will be the second time Gyllenhaal has acted with one of his real siblings in a film, the first being Donnie Darko where he played the brother of his real life sister, Daveigh Chase. Gyllenhaal, who has expressed interest in doing a comedy, will get his wish in this remake of a "Danish-language war drama." Laughs all around!

Should the Maguire-Gyllenhaal brothers take on the movie, shooting will start in November, which will require Gyllenhaal to take time out of his busy Presidential campaigning schedule. Analysts within his campaign assure us that the break will not be detrimental because Jake cannot technically run for President anyway (although we are assured he will be victorious regardless).

Industry insiders say the only reservation in hiring the twins is that audience members may find it confusing; the boys are so identical, most people can't tell them apart, not even the boys themselves. In fact, during the 2006 BAFTA's, it was Tobey who accidentally accepted Jake's award for Best Make-Out Scene with Heath Ledger In a Sheep-Herding Film. Similarly, it was actually Jake who starred in the third Spider-Man movie, apparently thinking the Spidey suit was some new Livestrong cycling gear and the camera crews were just paparazzi. In each instance, it was months before anyone realized the error.

Jake and Tobey can be seen below in a never-before-seen, heartwarming home video:

Full article HERE, and the exact same information again HERE.

JAKE PROVES WILDLY UNPREDICTABLE

2007-09-17T00:35:00.001+01:00

Walking across the street...while stroking his chin? Where did this chin stroking movement come from? Have we seen that before? Why is he doing that? Why did he add a new gesture to his walking repertoire without telling us? Will he be doing this more often now? Is this a new thing? Should I be concerned? Should I start stroking my chin while I'm walking?

Does his throat hurt? Does he need a throat lozenge? Oh my God, is he sick?! He's sick, isn't he?!! Is he going to be OK? Why isn't he in bed resting?! Should I send him a care package? Is it contagious? Is he contaminating the people around him? Why would he do that? What if he's not sick? What if he's just thinking? Has he always stroked his chin while thinking? Or is it a stress thing? Is he stressed? Why is he stressed? Why isn't he at home resting if he's stressed? Why isn't he communicating his needs better?!

Too much. Too much!! The erratic behavior of Jake Gyllenhaal has Jake Watch on the edge of our seats. We can only sit back and wonder just what we could possibly see from him next!

More at IHJ!

That link on the sidebar?

2007-09-15T03:02:00.000+01:00

Is working again.

Change your bookmarks, change your links. We're back in business, at

www.myspace.com/gyllenhaalforpresident.

So start friending!

UPDATE: An intrepid photographer catches Jake's reaction to the newly recreated MySpace page:

I know, Jake. I was happy to see it back, too.

But, you know, this MySpace thing is a little fishy. Two of our sites have gone down now; Jake knows nothing; I know nothing... I'm starting to suspect these guys.

Yeah, that's right...
...George Clooney. The face of evil.

Picture of George randomly plucked from the internet. Picture of Jake from...guess where?

Sock Watch: A Poetic Vision

2007-09-13T19:23:00.000+01:00

I was sifting through the gazillion shots of Jake from last weekend on IHJ and I was overwhelmed by this particular picture:
Because peeking above the shoe, what is THAT?! It appears to be none other than the flirtatious edge of a sock (!!). I might swoon. It's little to go on, but we'll work with whatever Jake is willing to give us:

COLOR: Surely the brown hue is an optical illusion! I'll play it safe and go with "dark."
TYPE: The occasion calls for formal.
HEIGHT: Deliciously mysterious. *prays for at least lower shin*
OVERALL STATUS: Leaving us hopelessly wanting more. Lord, it's been a while since you've graced us with some decent sock, Gyllenhaal.

Not much, but I have a feeling all this teasing will just make the next time that much sweeter. I was so struck by the beauty of Jake's barely-visible ankle that I decided to write a haiku about my feelings:

Your socks, exquisite.
I ache to see their full size.
Brown, or trick of light?

My God, I should have gone into poetry. I think we should all write haiku's about Jake now. In fact, I'm going to write another one.

Jake, why are you sad?
You look like you will vomit.
Don't ruin your tie.

Beautiful. But seriously, your creative contributions are welcome.

CANADA BACKS GYLLENHAAL'S ROGUE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

2007-09-11T18:00:00.001+01:00

Bold move, Nation of Canada.

The Jake in '08 campaign, fresh off the victory of being highlighted in Jake Watch's coveted Quote of the Week, has now received an honor only slightly less impressive: a mention in the Canadian National Post.

From this, it is painfully obvious to me that Canada wants Jake to be President of the United States. (See the new Canadian poster below; as of today, they are showing up everywhere, and by "everywhere," I mean in one awkwardly specific niche of the Jake Gyllenhaal blog world and probably nowhere else).

I would like to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to the Jake Watch constituency. Despite the fact that IHJ is mentioned in the piece, ALL of the questions Jake answered were submitted by Jake Watch readers. But that was probably obvious because I'm sorry, no other part of the Jake fandom would come up with questions as awesome as ours.

Thank you Welliwont (for Boo...finally we get the truth) and Cherita (for Jake in '08 AND cilantro AND the internet question...holy shit, it's like you interviewed him yourself, except without the satisfaction of being there or having him know it was you) and any other reader who submitted a question and/or submitted a plea that one of the other questions be asked. Well done, team. We did good this week in thrusting ourselves in front of the Gyllenhaal. In a decidedly non-erotic way, of course.

The Official Jake Watch Rendition Post (spoilers tagged), aka The Longest Post in the History of the World

2007-09-10T14:04:00.000+01:00

Before the movie...

A man came out and introduced a woman who came out and introduced Gavin Hood who came out and introduced the key players of the film. After the behind-the-scenes peeps, the actors came out.

First Jake (far left; click to enlarge)...
Then Reese...
Then Peter...
And so on until the stage filled up. Then they all filed off stage and Jake tripped. Awkward! He recovered nicely, though, and sent a cautionary pointed finger to the guy behind him.

Then the lights went off and we were plunged into a series of commercials for (of all things) the Toronto Film Festival. Dudes, it's OK. You sold us already. We're here.

And then the movie started. By the time it was over, I already knew how this review was going to go. Give me a movie this serious, and I'll give you an analysis even more serious, bitches!! So sorry if you're not into the heavy stuff. But I have some thoughts I'd like to express...

RENDITION: A VERY SERIOUS REVIEW ABOUT A VERY SERIOUS MOVIE

MINOR Spoilers below. Explicit spoilers aren't until the next section.

Ahem.

The best thing about seeing Rendition at the Toronto Film Festival is that I never have to see it again.

Don't get me wrong; it's a really good movie. Brilliant in fact. It's earnest and well-made and well-acted. However, it left me depressed and uncomfortable, and did so without giving me the satisfaction of knowing that my response was the result of a genuine connection to what I'd seen unfold on screen. The many plots, the many storylines...everything is emotional, but nothing is personal. This movie left me with tons of questions, just not about the practice of extraordinary rendition. Instead, I wondered about the movie itself. Was I supposed to feel sympathy for the suicide bomber? I don't know. I was too busy being lectured on the values of his culture to get a full portrait of him. Was Douglas Freeman's reaction to what he was witnessing supposed to be transitional? I don't know. I was too busy being shown his barely-contained disgust to catch a glimpse of any of his other emotions. How about the torture scenes? Gritty, graphic, extremely explicit (although not gratuitous)...was that to convince me torture is wrong? Was that what I needed convincing of? Maybe I'm not the right audience for this film.

Rendition takes itself so incredibly seriously that its self-importance is distracting. There were times when I was taken away from the story because I was blinded by the overwhelming "This is IMPORTANT!" message being broadcast in every way imaginable. True, the subject matter of the film is important and serious, but the biggest problem with this movie is that it confuses itself for the message. For me, that's what caused the questions I walked out with. If so much time and effort hadn't been put into making sure this movie was Serious, then maybe more time could have been spent on the fact that this is a movie, an art form ultimately successful based on entertainment value.

The black-and-white morality issues presented in Rendition are far too clear-cut to inspire any sort of debate. Hey, I get it. This is wrong. But the weight of the movie makes it feels a little like I'm being punished for agreeing with the filmmakers. I'm already against it, so why make me uncomfortable? Also, the all-too-neat converging plot lines fit together in movie-magic perfection, but if the story is supposed to be realistic, why rely on the convenience of trite predictability? Surely there are countless compelling true stories that could be told, or even fictional ones that don't tie together in a neatly unrealistic way.

So, I had some problems with it. That's not to say that as a piece of art, it didn't work. Overall, Rendition is a beautifully done film; it looks good from all angles. It's perfect in its execution, but flawed in its conception. No doubt it is impressive, but the balance between art and politics was not one that I, personally, found most effective. (I say this knowing that everyone I was sitting with in the theater will disagree with me.) Amidst the Important Message, it forgot that it's "just" a movie. Ironically, remembering that would have probably made the Message more accessible. I just don't see a film this self-aware attracting a large audience.

And now that you've been onslaught by my heavy-handed analysis of a heavy-handed movie, let's get to the good stuff!

***MAJOR SPOILERS AND TONE SHIFT BELOW*** Highlight to read. The sex scene portion (in which there is no actual sex) is marked in case that's all you want to read about. ;)

Non-sex scene starts here.
The movie opens with a quick teaser starring Reese and Omar. After the word "Rendition" fades in forebodingly, we're treated to...shirtless Jake! Like, seriously, five minutes in and he's already taking his clothes off for us! It's a trick to distract us from the horrors to come, but we don't know that at this early juncture.

After groaning a bit in early morning lethargy, he drags himself out of bed (boxers only) and makes out with a woman in a towel in the bathroom. This girlfriend of his wins the award for Least Developed Character EVER. She just randomly pops up to fondle Jake and do his bidding at the office. They work together, you see. "His bidding" in this sense is meant as in, "he is her boss," and not, "he calls her for nookie at lunch." Anyway, back to the making out...

Jake kisses her. A lot. She tries to leave (unrealistic though that may be) but he kisses her some more. Is his hand going to a naughty place up her towel? Yes...but on the side of room where the camera is NOT! Why would they do that to us?! Tease. While he's kissing her, he says, "Seriously, stop kissing me." I crack up; she leaves (unrealistic though that may be). It's the second best line in the movie.
And ends here.

Immediately after that, Jake and some dude are riding in a car when a bomb goes off. Some Dude dies (not before ruining Jake's shirt) and what? Some Dude was, like, the top guy in this region for the CIA? Next thing you know, young and impressionable Jake just got himself a promotion (Meryl Streep sees his picture and asks, "What is he? 12?"). Jake's girlfriend brings him a new shirt. And gum.

And so that's how Jake came to oversee the torture operation on Reese's husband, who was detained because...I have no idea. It's never really explained. I think that's to bring home the point of the wrongness of rendition, but as witnessed by the first half of this post, I wasn't really in need of yet another hit over the head with the Hammer of Important Movie Messages. But don't worry; Jake does not do the torturing. He just watches in horror and occasionally offers weak protests.

I didn't watch hardly any of the torture scenes (or the brutal violence scenes), but the sounds alone were nauseating. I literally left the theater sick to my stomach. If you are sensitive to such things (as I am), be prepared to be upset.

I believe Jake is supposed to go through a transitional period where he gets more and more unnerved by what he's witnessing, but he pretty much goes straight from completely unnerved to totally unnerved. We know this because he drinks a lot. Meryl Streep (the head honcho) calls him up one time while he's drinking and asks how he's doing. He responds, "This is my first torture." And that is the best line of the movie.

There is one other sexy scene about halfway through the film. Jake comes home and his girlfriend starts groping him. He's really distraught/distracted but tries to get into the mood by grabbing her, picking her up, and throwing her on the bed. He goes at it for all of two seconds before rolling off of her in defeat. This is another Important Clue that Torture is Bad. It ruins sex for even the casual observers.

This role is very, very different for Jake. He's commanding and way Alpha Male, unlike anything else he's ever played. Of course, he pulls it off flawlessly. Not flawless? His hair! I know half of the known universe thinks it's the greatest thing ever, but I'm opposed to it. Honestly, though, I couldn't focus on it all that much because I couldn't watch half of the scenes Jake was in (due to the torture content).

Lastly, there is a twist at the end of the movie which will make it worth your while to pay very close attention to the differing plot threads. And that's all I'll say about that. But Oscar material? I'll just say it's probably the best Jake's ever done. He is amazing. If they're giving out awards for this one, he definitely deserves a piece of the action.

Whew! I'm exhausted. I'll end with my autographed magazine page. Jake's signature is across Reese and Peter's is across Jake. My mom's reaction: "That's Jake's signature?!"

Rendition Review Foregone For A Quote of the Week

2007-09-09T05:04:00.001+01:00

[Vanessa]: Do you know about the Jake in ‘08 presidential campaign? It was a MySpace page but it got taken down recently.
Jake: “Wow, no, I don’t.”

Damn you, Jake. Damn you! It was gold, I tell you. GOLD! Maybe one day it will be recreated. Or not. Man, that was a lot of fucking work...on second though, make that, "damn you, MySpace! Damn you!!"

I want to give a HUGE thank you to Vanessa at Green as a Thistle for asking this question for us. Vanessa, you're wonderful!!! Read her Jake update HERE. Ironically, her interview puts the future of yet another MySpace page in question. At this rate, my updating duties will be non-existent by the end of the month.

Rendition stuff when I get back! (Sorry for the false advertising in the last post.)

Jake and PG's Excellent Conversation - NOW WITH VIDEO

2007-09-08T06:54:00.003+01:00

The above picture was not taken during the portion of the afternoon where I talked to Jake. This was the portion of the afternoon where I captured this image with my camera even though all my eyes caught was THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. I mean, seriously. How many times can that even happen to a person?!

Then he came back out of the building. The extremely short version, because I am tired (details later!):

PG (who has taken a magazine from her hotel room and opened it to a two-page spread advertising Rendition): Jake, can you sign this?

Jake: Sure.

PG: I run a website for you.

Jake (looks up and smiles): Oh, yeah?

PG: Yeah, Jake Watch!

Jake: Oh, wow! OK!

Jake and PG smile and look at each other and awkwardly nod until other autograph seekers distract Jake's attention away. PG starts snapping pictures.

PG: I'm taking some pictures of you. I hope that's OK.

Jake (looks over and smiles again): Sure, that's fine.

PG: Thank you!

[Click for big versions.]

(This is not zoomed; I was really that much up in his grill. You can see my reflection in his sunglasses. I'm wearing a pink shirt.)

Then Peter Sarsgaard came out.

PG: Peter, can you sign this?

Peter: Sure.

PG: Uh, sorry it's a picture of Jake.

Peter (laughing): It's fine.

Peter then signs his name boldly across the picture of Jake. He steals PG's Sharpie to sign autographs for several other people.

PG: Can I take some pictures?

Peter (smiling): Sure!

Peter: Whose Sharpie is this? (to PG) Was it yours?

PG: Yeah, thanks.

Meanwhile, a WireImage photographer caught a pictur e of PG and Sarsy conversing. Just so you know I'm not making this up (and shhh! don't tell them I'm posting their picture!):
(PG and Peter shared a moment earlier in the afternoon when he arrived and she yelled, "PETER!!!" and starting jumping up and down and waving even though she was at that point quarantined across the street. He waved back. It was a good time for everyone.)

I will upload the autograph page when I get access to a scanner because the digital camera just isn't doing it any favors. It's really awesome in a generic, hastily-scribbled sort of way.

THEN, at the world premiere of Rendition, Jake was kind enough to walk by me again on the red carpet inside the building:

There wasn't a lot of (any) talking at that point, but I'm sure it was because he didn't want to be distracted. No doubt he was still ruminating on our ground-breaking discussion from earlier.

Meanwhile, Ace Agent Marcia was taking the following video so that everyone would have the chance to experience the hysteria of waiting for Jake to whiz by:

In summation: Was all that worth it for a couple words, an impersonal autograph, and a couple of close-ups? Er, not even remotely. But the IMPORTANT thing is that I finally got a picture of Jake FROM THE FRONT!! About damned time. :)

Sorry this is lame but I have to go to bed. I'll make it better later. Also later (tomorrow)...RENDITION! The sex scene, the balcony seats, the nausea over the torture scenes...thrills await! You can only have so much excitement in one post anyway. I wouldn't want people to faint.

PG would like to thank Alice for being so wonderful and letting her stand at the front of the line for Jake's post-press-conference appearance. She'd also like to thank her fellow stalkers, Marcia, Cindy, and Carol for their wonderful company. And especially Marica for carrying around her shoes all day. And Megan for posting the news!

BLATANT STALKING: A CHALLENGING APPROACH FROM THE LADY IN GRAY

2007-09-06T18:36:00.000+01:00

What ho, stalking fans!

You should be delighted to hear that Jake Gyllenhaal is alive and cruising the streets like a geographically challenged prostitute. Unfortunately this means he is once again a direct target for those dastardly blatant stalkers. Please see below:

Now you know I'm one for giving credit where credit is damn well due, so I will say this; this is an almost perfect example of "forward stalking", i.e, staying literally one step ahead of your ~~victim~~ target. As you can probably appreciate, it's a very difficult technique. Trying to pre-empt the actions of your ~~victim~~ target is nigh on impossible so it really does require a professional. But, can you see where she has gone wrong?

WHO ARE YOU TO SECOND GUESS THE GYLLENHAAL, WOMAN?!!!

He is wild and unpredictable...like the sea, not like Britney.

Non-October Sky Quote of the Week

2007-09-03T23:40:00.001+01:00

"Well... The worst experience was waking up in the middle of the night with two glass bottles hitting my head from I don't know where. I later found out that Lucas Black just decided it would be a good idea to throw a glass bottle up in the air and see where it landed and it landed on my head. There were things like that happening all the time."

- Jake Gyllenhaal, on why I'm glad I'm not a boy

Happy Labor Day (now that it's almost over)!

source

Hey, Jake.

2007-08-29T23:55:00.000+01:00

What up? How's it going? Getting ready for Toronto? You know, I was thinking about you and me the other day. Remembering our first time and all. It seems like a lifetime ago now but I guess it really wasn't. In fact it was...

May 2006 - You were in New York, I was in Los Angeles, but damn, it was good. I made my first mark on your online world, in the process proving I had the chops to do this job...and that I'm possibly insane. I haven't had a cupcake that good since. And I saw some outside lockers which led to the first scene ever written for the first fake movie ever written* which is one of many reasons why our first time might just be my favorite.
And then there was the second time...

October 2006 - Yeah, there was a little more at stake that time. It was you and me in New York. With your mom. And your dad. Three Gyllenhaals, three strikes, and I was out. For better or worse, Time Two changed everything. Everyone remembers that time. The opinions, the controversy; it was downright scandalous.
I was hoping for better luck with Time Three...

March 2007 - Except this time when you were in New York and I was in LA, it wasn't quite as fun. There were a lot of cancellations and happy stories from the opposite coast and a weird appearance by Mark Ruffalo's brother. In fact, even more so than Time Two, I associate Time Three with crying and hysteria. What can I say? Stalking you is emotional.
How about Time Four?

July 2007 - The secret trip to New York! Ostensibly, I was there for work, but I stuck around for a few extra days to see if you would show up. When you didn't, I stalked Heath. His absence suggested that the two of you have clearly been talking avoidance tactics...
So, is the fifth time the charm?

All I'm saying is that people are starting to think that I'm pathetic...and I'm starting to not have an argument against them. So how about it, Jake?

September 2007 - You in Toronto. Me in Toronto.

One week from today. Let's make it happen. I will even make it super-easy for you because I have tickets to the Rendition screening and NOTHING ELSE TO DO but stalk you (and see movies, and look around Toronto, and see a friend of mine who lives there, and do other things). I'm in this, Jake. I'm willing to commit if you are. All you gotta do is meet me halfway (because I can't justify a sixth mission if there are five failures in a row...normal people would have quit by now!). I mean, no pressure or anything, but I'm starting to get embarrassed at how well you're avoiding me. Give me a picture, let me introduce myself, say, "Jake Watch?" in a voice feigning familiarity (it doesn't have to be real...you're an actor!) and I will be one happy camper. It won't take much. Really. I'm easy. Let's do this thing, because, uh, yeah. This is kinda it for me.

See you next week,
Prophecy Girl

P.S. Karma, you owe me for Times 1-4 and for the deletion of the Jake in '08 MySpace page.

P.P.S. Jake Watch, at the very least I'll get you a sneak peak of the movie. :)

*Unlikely, but it sounds good.

Coming to a theater wall near you...

2007-08-29T21:11:00.000+01:00

Four actors in various stages of distress + looking in four different directions = a very serious and multi-faceted storyline told from several points of view.

Snap, New Line! I can see right through your carefully planned, story-mirroring poster-designing process that emphasizes Academy Award friendly actors and actresses (click to enlarge).
As far as movie posters go, I think it's very...monochromatic.

source

Well, drat.

2007-08-27T19:21:00.000+01:00

Oh, dear. My super-secret stash of October Sky quotes has been compromised by Wet Dark and Wild. This is terribly disappointing as the website of young Misty was probably one of the only things I ever found in the Jake World before anyone else caught on (OK, I had help). She also once interviewed Jake, therefore making her the most successful fan site-runner in the history of Jake fan site-runners. As our foremother in Jake (her site was the very first), we should remember Misty and recognize that Misty's Jake Gyllenhaal Web Site is a direct internet ancestor to all of us who are around today. But seeing as how I have lost the element of surprise, I'm forgoing a Quote of the Week today so that I may ruminate on my quote options for the future. Speaking of ancestry...

Instead (some might say "in desperation") I turned to my fellow stalkers at iheartjake.com. Perhaps they had some story of interest which I could cover in a satirical manner to distract from the egregious lack of quotage? Ah, there it was. The golden nugget of genealogical information: that Jake and Princess Diana are, like, freaking related (!). With excitement, I left-clicked...and found that the story had been taken from Wet Dark and Wild (you're everywhere!). So I left-clicked again...and found that the story had been reported by Cherita of Zen Gyllenhaalism. All of these (former?) Jake Watch readers are now flying the nest and striking out on their own...it warms the cockles of my heart to think how our little family is now begatting other little families. This convoluted, quasi-incestuous, online world of Jake fandom reminds me of something...what could it be?

Ah, yes. It reminds me of the convulted, quasi-incestuous fact that for PG, Years 18-22 were spent daydreaming of her ride into the sunset with Prince William. Prince William, who was later ditched for, and now just happens to be the direct blood relative of, Jake Gyllenhaal. I feel dirty, like I've possibly done something illegal. I hope I haven't caused too much tension within the royal family. I can imagine that earlier in history, my loyalty switch would have spawned wars (as opposed to new blogs).

Who discovered this intriguing link between Hollywood royalty and actual royalty? Richard K. Evans, who, for the hell of it, went back 12 generations in Princess Diana's lineage. To the surprise of none, Anderson Cooper is also a blood relation (why wouldn't he be?). To the surprise of many, my own lineage is not dissected in the book. Odd, since I am so pivotal in the newly created rift between the Gyllenhaals and the Spencers/Windsors.

Also odd is that the name of the book is, "The Ancestry of Diana, Princess of Wales, for Twelve Generations," since the Gyllenhaal connection is actually traced back 13 generations (14 to get to Wills, although it's 12 on the Gyllenhaal side...apparently the Swedes procreated at a slightly slower pace than the English).

What Jake would look like today if a mere 12 (or 13 or 14) generations of diverging lineage had not separated him from the British royal family.

Honestly, though. 13 generations? I'm sure half of us could claim we were related to Princess Diana if we went back 13 generations. I wonder how many generations back the connection to Mitt Romney is? Oh, he made the list, too. Apparently they had to choose Presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle so as not to appear biased.

In conclusion, perhaps we will have a quote later in the week.

Seriously, hats off to Misty.

Jake Gyllenhaal: More like Homo erectus than you might think.

2007-08-26T01:47:00.000+01:00

And more specifically, it is that very similarity that makes him attractive to us. Well, actually, it's because he looks like a "caveman," which would literally mean early Homo sapiens, but that would have made for a very confusing headline. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Science with Jake Watch: Because Jake Gyllenhaal Does Have Some Practical Applications

LiveScience.com recently released the results of a study that found that women throughout the ages have "selected for males with relatively short upper faces. The region between the brow and the upper-lip is scrunched proportionately to the overall size of their heads."

Large head, small face. Ladies, we're apparently evolutionarily programmed to select for such features. The prime examples used in the article were Brad Pitt, Will Smith, and Johnny Depp.

Brad, Will, Johnny, and Caveman
Proportionally, these men all have what the article refers to as "bulldog-like faces," and what watchers of Jarhead might call a "squishy face." From brow to upper lip, they pack a lot into a relatively small area:

Did you know that my first comment ever on Jake Watch was in reference to how I have never been particularly attracted to Brad Pitt? It's true. After reading the article, I thought I must be an evolutionary deviant. Not that I wouldn't be proud of that, but I ran a highly scientific test instead...

Well, what do you know? According to my completely non-precise picture resizing technique, Jake is also bulldog-like in facial proportions and thus the women of the world are guided by instinct to find him desirable to father their offspring. Your brain is telling you that anyone with an upper lip that close to his eyebrows would make a good baby-daddy. See? And you thought it was because he has blue eyes. No, it's because he looks like a Cro Magnon man.

In fact, out of everyone in my analysis, the caveman in the first two pictures actually has the least "caveman-like" face. But that's probably because that's not an actual caveman and is instead some random dude in makeup for a Geico commerical.

There Is No News Today, Unless You Count Austin Nichols Being Arrested...

2007-08-24T18:28:00.000+01:00

...which we don't.

Why not enjoy something completely different and non-Jake related instead? Here.

Examining the "It" Factor of Two Male Popular Culture Icons In Accordance to the Arbritary Standards of One Internet Community

2007-08-22T00:27:00.000+01:00

The other day, some commenters were talking about the lack of, well, commenters lately and there seemed to be a consensus that interest in Jake is dwindling in these dry news days. bmg had the last word, saying, "It's all Zac Efron these days. Or so I'm told."

Being the type to philosophize on the heavy issues, I took this statement to heart. Is Zac Efron really taking over as pop culture's It Boy? Or is the lack of post material so overwhelming that we are reduced to creating entire posts out of comments that even other commenters have ignored? It was time for a Jake Watch Investigation.

My first stop was the vital information provided by my set of "Heartthrobs of the Aughts" Jake Watch premiere trading cards:

From this, I was able to deduce what elementary visual analysis had already told me: Jake is taller.

This wasn't enough to go on, though. I was forced to sit down and draw up a comprehensive list of everything I knew about both individuals and then compare their attributes in a highly biased manner. My results:

Primary Audience:
Zac: People younger than Zac (and PG - tell no one!).
Jake: People older than Jake (and PG).
Winner: Jake. Age and wisdom go hand-in-hand, duh. Plus, the lack of shame.

Awards:
Zac: Young Hollywood Award, Teen Choice Award.
Jake: Young Hollywood Award, BAFTA, Oscar nom, MTV Movie Award, a bunch of other stuff.
Winner: Jake. For the Best Kiss thing, of course.

Official Site:
Zac: None. [Edit: Oops. Apparently he does have an official site but I can't look at it or else I'd have to change the winner.]
Jake: This mess.
Winner: Jake, by default.

Singing Credentials:
Zac: High School Musical 1 & 2; Hairspray
Jake: One failed Moulin Rouge audition and an SNL skit in drag.
Winner: Jake, but only because I'm making Jake the winner in all the categories.

Dancing Credentials:
Zac: See above.
Jake: The Santa Dance, the Donnie Darko Production Diary Dance, and This Dance.
Winner: Jake, because nothing defeats the Santa Dance.

Rumored G-fri:
Zac: High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens.
Jake: Rendition co-star Reese Witherspoon.
Winner: Jake, on account of being man enough to date someone more famous than he is.

Internet Gayness Factor (numbers subject to change on a daily basis):
Zac: 996,000 hits on Google.
Jake: 900,000 hits on Google.
Winner: Well, hot damn. Zac has more results than Jake? I'm forced to ruin the winning streak and give this one to Zac.

Likelihood He'll Be Mistaken For a Girl:
Zac: 65%
Jake: 0%
Winner: Jake.

Likelihood People in Siberia Know Who He Is:
Zac: 25%, as "that kid from that Disney movie."
Jake: 25%, as "that kid from that gay movie."
Winner: Draw.

What's Next:
Zac: Footloose: The Remake
Jake: President
Winner: Hail to the chief!

Final Tally:
Zac: 1
Jake: 8
Draws: 1

In conclusion: Sorry World Consumers of Pop Culture, but you are wrong! Zac Efron is not as wonderful as Jake Gyllenhaal. My highly scientific method of comparing the two has shown that Jake is at least 7 times better. AND he's taller!

And as for my own question...turns out yeah. This was definitely all done because there's no news.

Speaking of Jake as President, turns out this information has somehow been left out of his Wikipedia article. I'm scandalized! Regardless of this audacious oversight, Jake's article is being featured today on the Wikipedia main page. Unlike Zac Efron's.

Zac Efron info from IMDb and the knowledge gained from the embarrassing number of times PG has seen Hairspray and the two High School Musicals. Big thanks to Sarah920 for the Wikipedia info and bmg for the unintentional inspiration. ;)

The Beverly Hills Hillbilly

2007-08-21T07:37:00.000+01:00

While Elly May was back home roastin' up some roadkill, Jed Clampett braved them citified folks to get some moonshine. They's plannin' on gettin' in that cement pond after dinner. Life for them Clampett's just ain't been the same since they hit it big with that crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea. It's all swimming pools and movie stars...

Picture from the fine people at US.

Good Old Fashioned Stalking...

2007-08-19T20:56:00.000+01:00

...from the comfort of your own home...or someone else's...

Jake Gyllenhaal does Forrest Gump

Thanks to Felicia for the find!

We're sort of boycotting the Broadway rumors...

2007-08-17T13:46:00.000+01:00

...because it's all very nebulous and Jake hasn't called us yet to confirm, so we figure it can't be set in stone just yet. (If you're wondering, these are the same rumors from June but with a different director and release date...or is it run date? Start date? My technical vocabulary is lacking.) So instead, how about we all sit around and watch an old interview with Matt Lauer? It's less random than it sounds because he's interviewing Jake!

Thanks to Penny Lane for finding this!

The Anti-Climax of the Year

2007-08-15T19:01:00.000+01:00

Approximately 10 months ago a babe was born in a stable and/or expensive private natal unit. Lo, the fandom of Jake Watch did gather and presented the child with gold, frankincense and panda. Mostly panda. Then one of the wise bloggers was spoken to quite rudely and the other wise blogger expressed regret that the money hadn't been spent on gin and lottery tickets. So it was never mentioned again...until today.

Quote of the Week

2007-08-14T13:49:00.001+01:00

"And I think it's so important to get an education, so to inform your work, and interpret the text so you can understand the subtext and the underlying meaning of the text...you know...I just believe that it's so important. At the same time focusing on school, not trying to be pulled in by my passion...I mean it's really hard to be sitting here and doing this and be talking about something you love more than anything in your life and also knowing...AND I love school so much...and know that I need that so that hopefully I can...again hopefully...have a good career."

- Jake "subtext is actually the same thing as the underlying meaning of the text" Gyllenhaal

I'd say the underlying meaning of the text in this quote was that Jake was told by the parental units that he had to finish school and he was trying to reconcile that with his genuine passion for acting. Oooh, I should be a psychologist!

Quote from my secret October Sky stash

Jake Watch Guide to Raceday Etiquette

2007-08-12T17:16:00.001+01:00

We here at Jake Watch are all about physical fitness (as of today). That's why when we found out that Jake ran a 5k race yesterday, we decided to take that experience and use it as an educational opportunity. Using her extensive knowledge gained from participating in ten or fewer 5k's, PG presents to you...

Running a 5K: Basics for Beginners, with Jake Gyllenhaal

What to Wear:

Always a beacon of fashion, Jake shows off classic "beginner style" 5k wear:
1. A cooling haircut, ideal for men. (Ponytails are recommended for the fairer sex.)

2. Seen mostly on walkers in the back, Jake breaks tradition by charging up front in the light-colored race-day t-shirt that comes in all registration packs. Designed by local artists, this brightly-colored abstract work of art will be thrown into the back of your dresser after the race and never worn again. Your race number is best displayed at bellybutton-level and can be attached with anywhere from 2 or 4 safety pins...it's up to you!

3. Running shoes and ankle socks. No knee-highs here; it's all about showing off your man-legs.

Career 5k-ers will likely invest in a get-up more like that of the gentleman to the right of Jake (marked *). In other circumstances, his indecently short shorts and sweat-wicking tank would get some scandalized stares. On race day, they are the proud badges of someone who knows what they're doing.

Who You're Running With:
They show up to every 5k across the country. They are:

1 and 2. The "Blatant Stalker" Guys. Usually ogling girls in sports bras, these particular stalkers are distracted by the movie star in their midst.

3. The "Run Around Before the Race" Guy. By the time you drag yourself to the course at whatever godforsaken early hour of the morning, this guy has been running the track for hours. He will finish before you and continue to run until everyone else has crossed the finish line. He makes sure you know he's more in shape than you are and that for him, running is fun!

4. The "I Love the '90's" Guy. This guy loves his hypercolored shirts and patterned shorts. He even wears high-tops...and he will fly past your sorry ass while you're laughing at what he's wearing. Turns out those are his lucky clothes that he's worn to every 5k since 1991. They haven't failed him, yet!

5. The "Local Celebrity" Guy. In Memphis, this guy is Action News 5 anchor, Joe Birch. In Chilmark, apparently it's Jake Gyllenhaal.

6. Your Grandpa. He will beat your time by at least 20 minutes.
7. The "Oh-My-God-I-Spotted-The-Local-Celebrity!" Guy. He always works his way up to the front of the crowd before the race starts so that he doesn't miss any of the excitement. He will fall to the back by Mile 2.

8. The "I'm Hot When I'm Shirtless" Guy. For this guy, the race is an opportunity to show off his tight abs and run around half-nekked. One smoldering look into the camera and he's ready for the ladies. Race? What race?

9. The "Clueless" Guy. While everyone else is gearing up to run, he's idly standing around looking at his own hand.

10. The "Fearless Female." The one woman who dares to work her way to the front of the line with all the manly men. She will not finish first, but dammit, she will finish before the local celebrity.

***

Hey, showing up well-dressed and knowing who you're up again is half the battle! The actual running part is more of a sidenote. We're not sure what training regimen Jake sticks to, but judging by his time (19:38, holy shit!) we'd say he's slightly better at this running thing than PG.

HUGE thanks to Felicia for this find! :)

So. New Line Cinema...

2007-08-10T17:57:00.000+01:00

...nice site. Nice big close-up of Jake there (click on his name if he doesn't automatically pop up), good atmospheric Photoshop rendering in the background (those grainy explosion graphics scream "Oscar!"), a little sparse on the details (where is my TortureScene!Jake wallpaper and AIM icon??) but you're just getting going, so OK. I can wait for a synopsis longer than a paragraph, but only because the picture of Jake is so hot. Let's see, what else? Jake's name is first, good, and we've got an official release date (October 19th it is!), good. It's all looking really good...until I look up at the top of my browser and see the word "Rendition" MISSPELLED. Dear Lord in heaven. You went to all the trouble of creating changeable skins and you didn't even spell the movie title correctly. That probably cost you the Oscar right there.

EDIT: Spelling error has been corrected. Academy Award back in play.

For more accurately spelled information on Rendition, HERE is a nice little article about how the movie is Serious and Not Fun. Consider this your reading assignment for the weekend. Be ready to discuss important topics, such as the defining characteristics of a Message Picture and the rationale behind inserting that particular picture of Reese Witherspoon into the article.

Thanks to Penny Lane for the info!!

Jake in '08: Campaign Finance Update

2007-08-09T01:14:00.000+01:00

As I'm sure everyone noticed, Jake's Reese-happy rendezvous in Los Angeles was short-lived, and he is now back on the campaign trail...hey, Jake, seriously, do not ruin this post for us by showing up in paparazzi pictures today, 'kay? Er, as I was saying, Jake is back campaigning hard, but is it hard enough? HIGHLY disturbing intel from a legitimately, uh, legitimate source has shaken the campaign efforts to the core. You heard it here first: the Gyllenhaals have not monetarily contributed to the Jake in '08 campaign. Scandal!

All this from The Huffington Post, which has come forth with a hard-hitting piece of political journalism detailing the campaign contributions of celebrities. It was no surprise to anyone that Kelsey Grammar is the only person in Hollywood bold enough to give to a Republican, but readers were shocked, nay horrified, to read this in the second paragraph:

"The Sheen/Estevez clan, Martin, Charlie and Emilio, all turn up empty, ditto all four Baldwin brothers and the Gyllenhaals."

When pressed for comment, Jake told us, "I don't know, maybe it has something to do with Jake Watch backing my campaign? Why the hell were all the doorknobs in my parents' house wet?" Whoa, about a nine on the tension scale there, Jake. He was, unfortunately, referring to britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl's month-long stay in the Gyllenhaal family home, during which time some pretty weird shit went on. (From britpopbaby's diary: "I just sat in the kitchen sink today, because I know Jake has scrubbed vegetables in that sink, and I just wanted to be part of that experience.") The elder Gyllenhaals' wish to separate themselves from the Jake Watch name was a hard blow, but perhaps understandable since the organization and its leaders are so goddamned strange.

Also upsetting campaign morale is the newest attack on Jake's character, not from those wily Stewart/Colbert boneheads this time, but from the potential upset candidate, Jack Bauer. Bauer's likely running mate, Eugen from Romania, held a press conference early Thursday. "How could you vote for Jake? He's a disgrace to the family name! His name basically means 'dude who loves butterflies and shit'* and he tortures bugs for fun! Watch this!" Eugen then dramatically pulled up YouTube and showed the following video:

Team Gyllenhaal responded promptly saying that the film's poor sound quality had led to a tragic misinterpretation. Jake was not talking about killing insects with a magnifying glass, but rather studying them up close because at that point in his life, he ambitiously dreamed of growing up to be an entomologist (a goal shared by Prophecy Girl). Jake's final comment on the matter? "To think that my love of Coleoptera would be used against me for such political malevolence hurts me on a deeply personal level. My only hope is that this injustice will cause my parents to reconsider and contribute to my campaign so that stupid Jack Bauer, and his hexapod-hating self, doesn't bring about the same downfall to the American people that he already has to Class Insecta."

Well said, Jake Gyllenhaal. Well fucking said.

*Direct quote from Jake's appearance on the The Late Show with David Letterman while he was promoting October Sky: "My great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was a butterfly catcher and cataloger...he was actually asked by the king or queen of Sweden...to a catalog butterflies for the kingdom. And he put them in the golden hall right outside the castle. And he ordained him the court butterfly catcher, gave him a coat of arms, and now we are named golden hall or Gyllenhaal."

Thanks to Penny Lane for the Huffington Post find and Welliwont for tracking down insect-killer Jake.

Help! I Need Somebody. Help! Not Just Anybody...

2007-08-07T07:25:00.000+01:00

Got a problem? Probably. Need a solution? Definitely. Panic no more my friends because Jake Watch's very own agony aunt, Madame Swiss, is opening up her column, and her heart, and perhaps her legs, to those in dire straights today.

Yes, cashing in on our understanding that Jake Watch can help people through those particularly difficult periods that may or may not involved Oscar-winning actresses, we introduce our newest feature, "Ask Jake Watch". Audience participation: BYOD!

Not one to shy away from work, Madame Swiss jumps straight in with this week's troubled reader.

Dear Madame Swiss,
I have a really embrassing problem. Every time I think of Jake Gyllenhaal, my pants burst into flames. It's really noticeable and I think people at work are starting to talk about me. Any suggestions?
Scorched, 24, Alabama.

Madame Swiss: My dear, I suggest you stop wearing pants.

If there is any problem you would like some advice on, please contact us today at contact@jakewatch.com. Please note: Frank Boulevard and Terence: Office Dog may be drafted in to help with responses.

Indecently Suggestive Quote of the Week

2007-08-06T02:18:00.000+01:00

"Yeah, actually, in fact, the day before we started shooting, we decided we would all go into the backwoods of Tennessee and fool around. In fact, we went to a national park and went to the wrong area of the park and were asked to leave by one of the park rangers because we were screwing around."

- Jake, when he was knee-high to a grasshopper

So the truth is out. Model youth Jake Gyllenhaal was thrown out of the backwoods of Tennessee for acting inappropriately. As a native of Tennessee, I can tell you that that is quite an accomplishment.

Picture and quote circa October Sky.

Rendition Trailer: Digested, Discussed, Dissected

2007-08-02T23:25:00.000+01:00

I was feeling alliterative. If the release of a Jake-related movie trailer isn't reason enough to use repetitive initial consonants, then what is? So, I was really only watching "Entertainment Tonight" because I was interested in Britney's out-of-control bodyguard, but lo and behold they happened to be premiering the Rendition trailer tonight, too. Except that was sort of a lie because it was more like they were showing a few clips from the movie while talking over everything to explain very basic plot points.

But let's pretend it was a real trailer, shall we? A run-down:

EDIT! It should be noted that within a half an hour of this being posted, the honest-to-God real trailer showed up. You can watch it HERE. Most of Jake's scenes in the trailer are the same as shown in the Entertainment Tonight "first look." Now back to my suddenly-worthless recap of the not-trailer:

0:00 - Reese looks distressed. Snap judgment: her husband in this movie is kinda hot.

0:14 - Jake shows up. He's sitting in a car. By now, we all know that's something he's good at.

0:15 - Jake walks down a hall looking important.

0:16 - Jake talks to someone in a dimly lit room.

0:17 - Jake dejectedly puts his head in his hands as if to say, "Damn, this would have been so much better if this was an actual trailer."

0:18 - Someone's shirt is being cut off, but it's not Jake's. A harbinger of how the rest of this "first look" is going to go for us.

0:25 - Jake walks importantly into a room while a shirtless man (Reese's husband, I believe) gets all weepy on us. Jake seems too manly to care.

0:31 - Sarsy shows up (DUDE, we've missed you!) to explain the title of the movie to Reese.

0:41 - The voice of Jake! I try to pay attention but I'm distracted by his massively overgrown hair and dimly lit profile.

0:45 - Holy shit! Jake goes all Tony Swofford on our asses, which is to say he grabs the shirtless man by the neck in a decidedly non-sexual manner and says, "Explain the phone calls," in an intense voice. Non-sexual for Reese's husband, perhaps, but a different story for those of us at home.

0:50 - Jake almost gets blown up in his car. I try to worry but the scene ends too quickly for me to emote.

0:52 - Jake walks down a dark hall with Reese's hubby. Voice-over guy tells us that the movie will open October 19. So either ET or IMDb is lying. Dammit! Are there never any easy answers?!

1:00 - Reese screams. Probably because this was way too short and has far too little Jake.

I should add that the segue into the Rendition "first look" involved talking about Matt Damon and Joaquin Phoenix originally being considered for the roles of Jack and Ennis (what?! no!). I shudder to think what my life would have been like if this casting disaster taken place.

I'm sure this will show up on YouTube in no time...when it does, you'd do well to ignore my time stamps as they were only rough approximations based on my crappy VCR timer.

Screencaps courtesy of Team IHJ.

It's okay...

2007-08-01T16:42:00.000+01:00

...no, really. It's all going to be fine. But we're a little concerned by your reactions. In the past 24 hours, you guys have said stuff like, "Awwwwww!" and "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and "This is more fun that Survivor!"

What the hell is wrong with you people?! Jake is dating someone and it's NOT YOU!!! We have spent 16 months bonding over the hotness and singleness that is Jake Gyllenhaal and now one of those two factors is no longer working in our favor. Don't put up a front for our sakes. We know you're sad. We know you're secretly cursing Reese Witherspoon's name. We know that every day that Jake spends sitting complacently in a car with Reese is a day he is not sitting complacently in a car with you. It's okay to be upset. Quite frankly, we think your euphoric responses are weird and likely due to shock.

Which is why Jake Watch is proudly presenting the..

Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit - Reese Witherspoon Edition
(aka The Man of Your Dreams Has Himself a Woman and You Need Help Kit)

For your kit, you will need*:

1. A garbage bag, for your Legally Blonde DVD's. Not going to be needing those anymore...

2. A cave, in which to live. If you're going to minimize your exposure to all things Jeese, you're going to have to take drastic measures to quarantine yourself from all media coverage. However, you will have to go out at some point, so you'll need...

3. Ear muffs, a sleeping mask, and a seeing eye dog. Reduce your primary senses as much as possible and then use the dog to navigate. You will not see the cover of US Weekly, nor hear the E! News reports, but you will still be able to buy your...

4. Liquor. Lots of it (we suggest gin). It'll be easier to get through this if you're drunk. You'll also need...

5. Tissues, for crying yourself to sleep at night. Drinking will probably make you weepy as will the fact that JAKE HAS A FREAKING GIRLFRIEND. You'll want some company, too, so how about your...

6. Jarhead DVD. Jake with a killer body and no significant other after the first half hour. Perfect for revving up your fantasy life again. Speaking of which, how about some...

7. Pictures of Jake, to tape to your pillow. That way he will never leave your bed. Even Reese can't say that. And finally...

8. Chocolate. A wise woman once said, "There is no problem that cannot be solved with chocolate." Indulge yourself. You've earned it.

And stop acting like you're all happy. For God's sake it's creepy. No one's going to think less of you for being disappointed. Just know that we here at Jake Watch have put our kits to work and are already starting to forget... Jake and who? What?**

Your personal Jake therapists,
britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl

* Most items can be found at your local grocery store. Maybe not the cave.
** The Official Jake Watch Mentality on the matter.

I Guess The Big Question Now Is...

2007-07-31T18:32:00.000+01:00

...is that Lexus a hybrid?

Quote of the Week (Back From the Dead)

2007-07-30T00:19:00.000+01:00

Jake wakes up, shirtless and sweaty, goes to find his hot woman (I honestly don't remember if she even had a name? Regardless, she's Moroccan and really hot) who has just gotten out of the shower, and is wearing just a towel. They exchange some sort of pleasantries, then he pulls her against him, up against the bathroom door. They start kissing, and he runs his hand up under her towel just under her ass, lifting her thigh up and just barely around him, and they make out. I came.

- hearthisvoice, a commenter on Oh No They Didn't!

It appears this is what we have to look forward to in Rendition. Thank you Jesus Christ Lord Almighty. I'm not even going to pretend that I don't get seriously turned on watching Jake make out with other people. Thank you, and Happy Monday.

Thanks to Penny Lane for the link! And hearthisvoice, if this is not true, just know that you will have killed a piece of my soul and I will probably cry myself to sleep every night for at least a year.

Random picture of Jake looking sexy brought to you by IHJ.

Not Long Now

2007-07-27T18:34:00.000+01:00

Ken: So, basically, at the sound of your theme song, you come down the stairs, center yourself, dish out the usual thanks; 'My campaign team, my family, everyone who voted for me, my long misplaced puggle Boo, yadda, yadda, yadda...', then if you wanna throw out some love to Jack Nicholson and Paul Giamatti, who will apparently be sat in the front row on the night of your election victory, I think that be a crowd-pleaser. Next, if you wanna get in some witty jibes about the losers and how much they suck, go for it; just don't mention Monica and sucking in the same sentence though 'cos thats just low. Then basically reinforce your election promise of curing the whole world, give some props to JK Rowling then exit stage left into the adoring arms of Meryl Streep and, if we can get them, the Dixie Chicks....right, any questions?

Jake: Do you honestly think I'll make those stairs in my dress?

Hey! Natalie Portman!

2007-07-26T00:29:00.001+01:00

BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN!
You know, Natalie, I've been doing this gig for a while now and you know what? You just keep popping up. All the freaking time. Anonymous commenters love nothing more than to bring up your name. They're either talking about what a "cute" couple you and Jake would be or offering up creepy insider-sounding information about when you two used to "date." I didn't know anything about this "dating." I was just ignoring all that, you know. Just assuming you liked to post here anonymously...and I wasn't going to judge you for it. I mean, Jake's hot, but everyone knows he was celibate before my good friend Kiki walked into the picture. And then what happens? I notice there are some new-old pics of you on a certain website freaking ALL OVER The Gyllenhaal! I mean, what's next?! Secret pictures of Jake and Reese??! I'm sorry. I cannot condone this behavior (or bursting of my bubble). I don't care how many years ago this was, you need to back away from my man!

In other news...a new batch of Jake in '08 tees just hit the store! If ever there was a sentence worthy of ending in an exclamation point, that was it.

I'm sure you're sad...

2007-07-24T16:01:00.000+01:00

...not buying Zodiac and everything today. So here are some 100% never-before-seen EXCLUSIVE pictures of Jake to help cheer you up! A huge, HUGE thank you to Tatiana for these (click to enlarge).

Jake entering a campaign meeting with britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl, er, or else hobnobbing at the Cannes Film Festival (it's difficult to say really):

There's much more information in the Zodiac thread in the forum, including Tatiana's first-hand account, information on where to find more of her pictures, and video of what those two got up to after the festival. OK, only two of those three things are true.

Please do not repost. Thanks!

Twist Mustache Joins Legions of Gyllenhaal Presidential Supporters

2007-07-20T20:41:00.000+01:00

Jack Twist's mustache has recently added its name to the growing list of mustaches supporting Jake Gyllenhaal's 2008 Presidential run. It has joined the list at number 5 behind:

1. Tom Selleck's mustache. The classiest mustache in all of pop culture, this mustache is interested in Jake's ability to bring a sense of style to the White House.

2. Gabe Kaplan's mustache. The "Welcome Back" mustache still remembers the gas shortages of the 1970's and is looking for a candidate who both drives a hybrid and looks good in tight pants.

3. Joe Aguirre's mustache. This was a surprise to many but as it turns out, the mustache is quite the liberal thinker. And where the mustache goes, the man must follow.

4. This guy's mustache. Because anything that well-coiffed couldn't possibly resist the Gyllenhaal.

A noticeably clean-shaven Jake Gyllenhaal is photographed below looking over his mustache supporter list as published by Jake Watch:
He's reportedly pleased by the growing list (no pun), but still concerned that Geraldo Rivera has not yet pledged himself to the campaign.

Did a manlier mustache ever exist? We think not. Let's hope Rivera gets his head out of his ass and jumps on board soon.

In other news, Jake Watch and the Jake in '08 campaign are going on a tiny hiatus so that britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl can devote every waking moment to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And you know what happens to Muggles who post spoiler information on Jake Watch? Avada fuckin' Kedavra, bitches. Keep it in the forum!

Spielberg Joins Jake Watch in Crusade Against Paramount

2007-07-19T22:40:00.000+01:00

It appears that Steven Spielberg and DreamWorks Pictures might split with Paramount, perhaps largely because the Los Angeles public premiere of Zodiac was canceled at the last minute. "I was really looking forward to that Jake Watch post," Spielberg told reporters at a press conference earlier today, "They ruined it for everyone. How else is a person like me supposed to get a free 'I'm stalking Jake!' button?" Spielberg was of course referring to the wildly popular news organization that you are currently experiencing, famous for its accurate reporting and unmatched ability to capture exclusive quotes from famous people in the entertainment industry. Jake Watch readers may remember that DreamWorks produced the Jake Watch hit movie, The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies (TDATND) and the film's director, Prophecy Girl, received hands-on consulting from Spielberg during the bulk of filming.

However, the situation may be slightly more complicated than Spielberg let on. From BusinessWeek's coverage of the story: "People close to Spielberg say he is vexed that Paramount has treated [Jake Watch] shabbily and grabbed credit for [Jake Watch] productions [including the live-action version of Underdog.* It's a little-kept industry secret that the original plot of The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies made reference to a Jake Watch picture (Underdog) being considered as a catalyst for a career in children's movies for Jake Gyllenhaal (photographed below during a costume fitting).It was also no secret that Paramount's big Jake film of the year, Zodiac, was in stiff competition with TDATND. Not only did Paramount push Zodiac's release date further and further back until it was scheduled exactly one month after TDATND, presumably to play off the fervor created by the JW movie, but it appears they also began production of their own Underdog movie soon after the JW team put their version aside. Spielberg, who was slated to direct the JW version of the wacky dog comedy, expressed disappointment when the project was pushed off Jake Watch's schedule, presumably because Gyllenhaal's Presidential campaigning spread resources within the industry giant too thin to continue its production. Just this past weekend, Paramount's version of Underdog started being advertised on televisions across America**, and the rumors about a possible split between Spielberg and Paramount coming in conjunction with the advertising campaign is likely no coincidence.] If Spielberg were to leave, says a person [who is writing this story], he could take several of his hitmakers [i.e. Jake Watch] and the DreamWorks name with him. [Either way, Jake Watch will make no money off the live-action Underdog film, though the concept was widely regarded as JW's intellectual property.]"

Paramount, of course, is denying the split, any wrongdoing, and any knowledge of the inescapably painful Underdog. But in light of the complicated backstory, it seems that Spielberg's anger over the Zodiac premiere may have been just the out he needed to break off the painful relationship.

(BusinessWeek is not responsible for material contained in the brackets as it may have been creatively interpreted by our editors; for instance, if you were going to use "facts," then Underdog is actually a Buena Vista Production, and not part of Paramount Pictures. But aren't all movie studios eventually connected somewhere along the line?)

* Actual quote from the old JW Forum by Jla (we miss you!) June 30, 2006: It's clearly apparent to us that making this movie would be career suicide! The super hero has to be completely ludicrous like a live-action version of Underdog, complete with Jake in a dog costume and cape.

** This is true.

And thank you AgentLola for finding this article!

Jake Gyllenhaal: A Multimedia Experience

2007-07-17T01:36:00.000+01:00

According to sources deep within Jake Watch's intelligence department, Jake Gyllenhaal will be featured in the upcoming rewrite of the book, Bar Mitzvah, Bat Mitzvah: The Ceremony, the Party, and How the Day Came to Be. Besides having an overly long subtitle, the book will contain stories of several celebrity bar and bat mitzvahs, including Jake's, which was held in a homeless shelter (it was a hard time for the Gyllenhaal family). Long-time fans of Gyllenhaal may recall that Jake lived in a homeless shelter for several years before making it big as a Spandex model.

The staff at Jake Watch is diplomatically trying to overlook the fact that the book, written by Bert Metter, hits presses mere months before Jake Watch: The Stalking, the Blogging, and How My Restraining Order Came to Be. It's assumed that similarities in the titles and release dates are purely coincidental. Jake Watch, however, is betting that Jake's wistful reminiscing of his days as a homeless person will be much less entertaining than the pages upon pages of court documents contained in the BPB/PG-penned tome. Look for both before Christmas.

In related news, a video has appeared confirming a story first reported here in June that Jake will no longer be acting, but devoting all his time to a career in singing. This early evidence suggests that Gyllenhaal is having some trouble adjusting to his new medium as the video shows him doing little more than dramatically reading lines to an instrumental backing before rushing off stage and refusing an encore. His warm-up act has a lot of potential, though.

Thanks to heddaparsons for being an awesome forum member. :)

Bygone Days

2007-07-16T13:49:00.000+01:00

A year ago, something very special happened in the world of Jake Watch. Boo the Puggle got his own MySpace page. This started a dog profile trend which is now so expansive some of us are a little creeped out by it. Jake Watch was prepared for a full-on anniversary party today, July 16, but then it was discovered that Boo's page actually went online on July 15 and therefore the appropriate day to celebrate had already come and gone. But when has appropriateness ever stood in the way of Jake Watch?

So today, let's take a look back, shall we, on the magnificence and the mystery of Boo Radley Gyllenhaal's Jake Watch history:

April 5, 2006: A mere three days into the wonder that would become Jake Watch, britpopbaby launches the "Free Boo" campaign, the first of her many unsuccessful forays into the world of public service.

April 7, 2006: Showing early signs of purebred fascination, britpopbaby devotes yet another post to the celebrity puggle, this time cruelly referring to him as a "fickle trend."

April 11, 2006: Boo Watch is launched. Life as we know it is never the same.

April 12, 2006: Virtual Boo. Jesus. I really didn't know brits did so many posts on that damned dog.

April 14, 2006: Boo Watch, Part 2. But is that even Boo? I really don't think so. I mean, seriously, I don't think Jake even had this many posts devoted to him at this point.

April 25, 2006: Boo Watch, Part 3. Peter Sarsgaard and Prophecy Girl finally agree on something.

May 15, 2006: Boo shows up in some pap pictures. I forgot that Jake used to have a shaggy beard, like, all the freaking time.

May 16, 2006: Boo Watch: The Case of the Missing Puggle. Confession: PG has no idea what a deerstalker is.

June 30, 2006: Obey the Puggle shirt discovered, proving that you really can buy anything online.

July 1, 2006: britpopbaby apparently compiled most of the above posts in one concise location. Dammit!

July 14, 2006: A customized Boo "Obey the Puggle" shirt arrives at JW headquarters to be mailed to Jake at a later date. God only knows what happened to it after that.

July 15, 2006: Boo's MySpace launches. And it is only by the sheerest of coincidences that it is logged into only on the exact days that the TDATND Film MySpace is checked.

August 5, 2006: Boo Watch: The Puggle Psyche. Kind of related to the MySpace post, but with a better picture.

August 7, 2006: Some of the last paparazzi pictures ever taken of Boo but, distracted by Jake's red shoes, no one notices him. Travesty.

September 21, 2006: Boo's autograph is sold off for charity. Perhaps the last conclusive evidence we have of his existence.

October 23, 2006: Where the hell is Boo? Apparently not under Peter's coat.

November 27, 2006: Is Boo gay? Probably not, but that Photoshop job is fucking creepy.

December - Boo gets several mentions but no posts to himself. Have we really moved on so quickly?

January 6, 2007: Boo Watch: Sibling Rivalry. britpopbaby still cares!

January 24, 2007: Boo Watch: Is Boo a Republican? Er, who can really concentrate with Jake wearing a "Democrats Make Better Lovers" shirt?

February - Well, uh, it was a short month. Although apparently Fake Jake didn't get the memo his dog was missing.

March - Nothing.

April 17, 2007: News of Puggles of the Caribbean unveiled...complete with movie poster!

April 23, 2007: Boo found? Casual mentions of Boo's disappearance have skyrocketed during the month.

May 2, 2007: Boo's disappearance linked to Jake's facial hair.

May 3, 2007: Jake Watch Craft Time! An amazing number of you actually mailed these postcards to Jake's management asking where Boo was. Would you believe our requests were ignored?

June and July - Er, apparently, we didn't care. Until today! Today we care.

So Jake Watch would just like to wish a Happy Anniversary to Boo's MySpace page and say that for a dog who appears to no longer be in the custody of Jake, he still gets more posts than Atticus.

Paramount continues to baffle us all...

2007-07-13T02:44:00.001+01:00

If you happened to read a post on Jake Watch earlier this evening, PLEASE IGNORE IT. I'm not totally sure what's going on, but apparently it was definitely not the worst case scenario, as I had feared. It's entirely possible no one even read it and now everyone is confused with all the secrecy. So, don't worry about it! :)

Something you should worry about? HOW MUCH PARAMOUNT PICTURES SUCKS. It's probably old news to all of us by now that the DVD of Zodiac, which will hit American stores in a little over a week, has no extra features. At all. None. Not even a trailer. Hell, my copy of The Little Rascals ("That wasn't sand; that's kitty litter!") at least has a fucking trailer. Apparently Zodiac will come with trailers for OTHER DVD's, including (wait for it) the Special Edition of Zodiac. (Which comes out in 2008 and has the decency not to feature that picture of Jake on the cover where he looks like he's a few cards short of a full deck.) This the worst merchandising trick I've ever heard of, even worse than the Special Edition of Jarhead which was, like, released in secret and cost 1000 times the price of a normal DVD.

So this post is just a reminder to all of you that Paramount was once mean to me and I don't think Jake will be offended if you wait and only buy one version of the DVD. In fact, Jake Watch will be proud of you. Be an informed buyer, America. Paramount is not working for you! But Jake Watch is. Over and out.

PAPARAZZI GET SLOPPY

2007-07-11T03:53:00.000+01:00

I mean, were they even trying on this one?

Altered Photo:

Actual Photo:

More lies at IHJ!

Jake Gyllenhaal: From President to King of the World

2007-07-09T00:58:00.000+01:00

Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal has been named MKP's Sexiest Lad in the World, a contest he won so handily that none of the other Presidential candidates even placed. My Kinda Place (MKP) was quoted as saying, "If the number of votes that he received are anything to go by (he walked it) then he can sleep easy, safe in the knowledge that he has a very long career ahead of him (as long as he's looking this hot anyway)." Well said, MKP. Jake will, no doubt, have a long 4- to 8-year career ahead of him as President of the United States of America, although Jake Watch is going on record as saying we think his talent (i.e. political potential) overshadows his ridiculous physical hotness and MKP should be shut down immediately for preaching to youngsters that success is something that comes (and is sustainable) only to those who are good-looking. What the fuck kind of website is that?

When asked about his victory, Jake said, "This is almost as exciting as that time everyone voted that they wished I was gay. Thank God something came along to take the focus away from that Stewart/Colbert crap." By "crap," Jake was referring to the Great Stephen Colbert Smear-a-thon of Last Week in which he was harshly accused of not being an environmentalist just because it took him a billion years to buy a hybrid...which he appears to never drive. No matter, his recent(ly discovered) triumph in being named a lad of exceptional sexiness was enough to convince Leonardo DiCaprio that Jake Gyllenhaal is the best man for the Presidency. "Let's not forget," DiCaprio told Jake Watch, "that I played a doomed guy named 'Jack' in a tragic love story long before Heath Ledger decided to be a sheep herder, but as long as that's clear, then yeah. I'll use my record as an environmental activist to help him out of this mess. But only because he is the sexiest lad I know."

DiCaprio, who did not make the Sexy Lad List, has a new documentary coming out about environmental issues (11th Hour) and a website that makes Jake's Official Site look so unbelievably pathetic that Jake Watch is ashamed to the point of humiliation that the assault we launched on it was unsuccessful (for more on why Harrison Cheung doesn't have time to maintain Jake's site, click HERE). Regardless, the Jake in '08 campaign is pleased that Leo's environmental record can now be transferred to Jake via a series of confusing public service messages. Brilliant!

So it's settled. Jake is sexy, he has no problem getting the popular vote, and environmentalists like him. The Jake in '08 campaign could not possibly be going any better. When asked about his feelings regarding Leo's commitment to his campaign, Jake, lad that he is, looked like this:
Thanks to ATD for finding the golden Harrison Cheung tidbit. That is actually way better than anything we could have made up.

Recognition from the Highest Echelons - Finally

2007-07-08T11:03:00.000+01:00

Jake has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize as interpretated by the Teen Choice Award 2007 secret circle. He has also been nominated for the Orange Prize for Fiction, for a novel he is yet to write but the proposal he sketched out in stick-figures on a napkin was so brilliant they went ahead anyway.

Obviously, canvassing must begin so I urge you all to head HERE to vote. You have to promise your soul to a wireless networking devil but I think it's worth it.

Enjoy this picture of some drunks while you contemplate how generally brilliant Jake is and how much he deserves your vote, in comparison to say, Hayden Panettiere.

Hot Brokeback - By The Power of Greyskull!

2007-07-06T17:09:00.000+01:00

It helps if you've seen both films. If you haven't, well....fuck you.

Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years of American Independence

2007-07-03T19:23:00.000+01:00

Dear Jake,

Just a quick note to keep you updated on your campaign for Presidential victory. Maybe if you'd give us your email, we wouldn't have to keep doing this in a public arena, but whatevs. Now, the two scandals from last week rocked the boat slightly. First off, Iowa is pissed and Idaho is confused. Secondly, the white witches are digging you BIG time whilst the Evangelicals are burning effigies - we didn't think this would present much of a problem but it turns out there are more Evangelics than white witches and they have like, their own TV network. So, to detract from your "envitable plummeting journey to the Underworld due to your commendation of witchcraft", we thought we might wheel out the big guns - that's right. POLICY. Apparently voters want to hear about what you plan to do when you get elected. Like 'be hot' isn't enough for these people.

So, we've been working on a few ideas, y'know, the usual - global warming, Iraq War, Paris Hilton - when we thought, wait! This is Jake Gyllenhaal's election mandate and what says 'Jake Gyllenhaal' more than STRAIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD. So, we present to you now, a proposed policy we concocted in preperation for the July 4th celebrations:

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears:

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to dissolve the creative restrictions which have bound them to lesser websites and to assume the powers of the internet, the unified international achievements to which the Laws of Blogger entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Jake Gyllenhaal fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to reverse the separation as set forth by our forefathers on July 4, 1776.

Four score and seven weeks ago, britpopbaby set forth upon this internet a new blog, conceived in jest and dedicated to the proposition that Jake Gyllenhaal is hot shit.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unattainable hotness, that among these greater men are Jake Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal alone. — That to secure his station as object of our affection, websites are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the people who read them…[legal crap]...as to them shall seem most likely to effect their online enjoyment of Jake’s sexy body and stellar acting career.

We, therefore, the Representatives of Jake Gyllenhaal, assembled under the power of the Google web search, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (i.e. Jake) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of Jake Watch, solemnly publish and declare, that the united Colonies of America will reinstate Allegiance to the British Crown under the Rule and Guidance of britpopbaby (of the Crown) and Prophecy Girl (of the Colonies) so that heretofore the two nations, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal (except for Jake), shall join as one to share duties on the site known as Jake Watch.

That this blog, under Jake, shall have a new birth of freedom, and Jake Watch, as a unifier of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

A-fucking-men.

Sources: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Mark Antony's speech from Julius Caesar, and my ass.

What? Not gonna fly? C'mon! British people are hot right now, look at Kirsten Dunst's boyfriend! Oh...sorry. And you LOVE British people, look:

The Second Campaign Scandal Hits HQ Hard

2007-07-01T12:25:00.000+01:00

For the love of Ronald Weasley!!

Who went and released these frickin' pictures? Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal moonlighting as bleedin' Harry Potter! We were having enough trouble thinking of ways to win over the Bible belt - now what the HELL are we supposed to do? Jesus Christ. Witchcraft is just not popular with any demographic...except Pagans.

Oh, I get it. This is LOW, Hillary, LOW.

Jake's First Campaign Scandal - We're So Proud!

2007-06-28T13:51:00.000+01:00

Jake Gyllenhaal arrived back in Los Angeles earlier this week after a mistaken trip to Idaho for some early campaigning. "I'm sorry; I know now I should have gone to Iowa," Jake exclusively tells Jake Watch. "I was pretty sure it wasn't Illinois or Indiana, but who knew there were so many damned 'I' states?" Gyllenhaal's mistake does not seem to be an issue, however, as the latest Jake Watch poll has 14% of eligible voters saying they want Jake to be their President "a lot," another 32% going with "a hell of a lot," and the remaining 54% answering, "I'm registering as my dead grandma so I can vote twice."

Jake laughs off his mistake in the Boise airport with ~~an unauthorized female~~ his manager and a humorless man in a purple shirt.

Victory over the polling numbers was short-lived, however, as the first smear campaign of the season reared its ugly head from the Stewart/Colbert camp, a campaign whose MySpace page pretty much sucks because it doesn't even have a banner at the top (although they do have a depressingly higher number of friends than Jake in '08). Stephen Colbert released the following statement last night, "I see Jake Gyllenhaal has been wasting jet fuel again. Lazy bum. Like he couldn't bicycle to Idaho? Jake Gyllenhaal's carbon footprint is so big, they had to baptize it at Sea World. It's so big, it's got its own zip code! When God said, 'Let there be light,' he asked Jake Gyllenhaal's carbon footprint to move its fat ass out of the way!"

Camp Gyllenhaal has confirmed that Jake's ecological impact is roughly 3.5 times that of the average American but points out he's The Gyllenhaal and it takes a lot of airplane rides to accomplish as much as he has at such a young age. Gyllenhaal himself said, "Even if I drive my car somewhere so I can ride my bike, at least I'm in better shape than most people in this country!" The Stewart/Colbert Team has declined our repeated requests for their BMI ratios. Jake Watch is predicting that this is going to be an exciting race.

Picture from the Jake in '08 photo archive.

PM BACKS YOUNG BUCK IN WHITEHOUSE RACE

2007-06-26T18:30:00.000+01:00

Last night Gordon Brown set his priorities straight as new leader of the Labour Party and Prime Minister of Great Britain. "What I really want to do," announced the ashen-faced Scot at a conference of London's leading press, "is offer my support to Presidential candidate, Jake Gyllenhaal. He's my choice, and I also know he's the choice of the British people. I look forward to working with him in the future."

When reporters asked why the new PM was so taken with Gyllenhaal, he answered, "He obviously has the most experience out of all the candidates, having dealt first-hand with such pressing issues as global warming, gay rights, Middle Eastern wars and imaginery rabbits. All this, despite being techincally too young to run. All the other candidates are tosspots and have shit MySpace profiles." When challenged by a journalist from The Times, who debated whether Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal even had a MySpace page, Brown simply responded, "Oh, DOESN'T HE?". He then flashed the already amazed press his underpants and skipped off stage.

Sneaker Watch: Officially Vetoed

2007-06-25T18:26:00.000+01:00

I know, over the years, the idea of a 'Sneaker Watch' has been banded about the place like the serve of a Russian ping-pong champion. I have never spoken publically about this before as I did note, at the time, the popularity of the notion. But now, I must proverbially lay my proverbial cards on the proverbial table.

I, for one, felt that 'Sneaker Watch' could never become a reality because a) it would be determential to the sanctity of Sock Watch and b) Jake wears straight up FUGLY sneakers.

My belief was further compounded when I chanced upon the following picture:

Jake, your Kevin Federline-esque pal has well and truly out-sneakered you. I simpy cannot devote any more of my time to your sneakers when your friend is standing right there, rocking the rainbow soles. I'm sorry, but no.

P.S - Hey, what happened to that guy, anyway? You're so careless with things like friends...and dogs.

Jake & Reese: The True Story

2007-06-21T20:26:00.000+01:00

Another Jake Watch Exclusive
From The Ikea Self-Assembly Bureau of britpopbaby

The mysterious relationship of Reese Witherspoon and Jake 'Air Gunner' Gyllenhaal has been grabbing headlines since their rumoured romance exploded into the nation's conscience in early 2007, surpassing any concerns the general citizen had for the Iraqi war, global warming and Jennifer Aniston. The hot fling has now garnered more column inches than discussion regarding Britney Spear's hair regrowth, with everyone from Perez Hilton to Prophecy Girl throwing in their unsolicted opinion. Tony Blair was even overheard in The House of Commons saying, 'Biotches stole MY moment'.

But the lack of pictorial pashing and silence from Jake's manager, ex-East end villian turned loveable Hollywood rogue, Frank Boulevard, gossipmongers, fangirls and fangays alike were mighty suspicious of the hook-up.

Now Jake Watch can reveal whats really been happening as Frank Boulevard grants us access to Jake Gyllenhaal's blackberry, in an attempt to set the record straight.

"People have got it all wrong,' says Frank, 'of course they're deeply in love, but it's more than that...they're opening a traditonal London Caff together'. Frank explains that Jake's long-established love of food and cookery took an unusual turn when Witherspoon admitted to him that she secretly harboured a love of British cuisine. 'His face dropped, like a foot, when Reese told him she adored nothing more than going home after a long day's shooting and firing up the chip pan and gridle. Jake said he liked baked beans but he'd never taken it any further. She persuaded him to try a Ploughman's and after that, well he was 'ooked. You could say he got himself into a right Branston's pickle about it! Ahahahha! I kill meself'.

It was some weeks after this revelation that Gyllenhaal and Witherspoon decided to celebrate their newly found common ground by opening a traditional British-style cafe. A source close to the couple said, 'Jake has always dreamed of opening his own restaraunt, he just never imagined he'd been be doing it with the woman of his dreams...or that 'Spotted Dick' would come into the equation'.

The 'Gyllen Spoon' Cafe will be opening next month in Beverly Hills. Rumour is, the pair are currently recruiting staff - experience with lard is essential.

So you THINK you're a fan?

2007-06-20T18:46:00.000+01:00

You reckon you own every DVD of Jake possible, do you? (Zodiac pending). Well, guess what? You don't! So get out your wallets and prepare to be amazed.

Just when I thought it was nigh on impossible for me to get any exclusives anymore, (due the more enthusiastic fans finding out about everything before PG and I), along comes ABBY SINGER.

It's indie! It's budget! It's Sundance! I'm moderately confused!

Abby Singer is a darkly comic tale that chronicles the life of Curtis Clemins, torn between the love of his life and his dream. When Curtis hits rock bottom at the Sundance Film Festival, he calls on his old college chum, Kevin Prouse, now a drunk acting instructor in the throes of a divorce, leaving him the only clue to salvage the remnants of Curtis' deteriorating life. American Movie meets The Player, Abby Singer is highlighted by a panoply of celebrity appearances including Jake Gyllenhaal, Brad Pitt, Jodie Foster, Don Cheadle, Stockard Channing, Jay O. Sanders, Robin Tunney, Roger Ebert, Dave Attell, Mark Bochardt, Mike Schank, Lloyd Kaufman, and many more. (from http://www.myspace.com/abbysingermovie)

Abby Singer is coming to DVD on July 24th. I guess you'll have to buy it to figure out more, but the film's producer Jonathan M Black tells me, '[Jake] was the first star to sign a release. He is a really cool guy.'

As always, MySpace is where it's freakin' at. View the trailer HERE.

Info on DVD release:
http://www.reelindies.com/
http://www.reelindies.com/search.asp?cat=feature

More links:
http://www.abbysinger.net/

Call yourselves fans.

Pop Quiz #2

2007-06-19T17:52:00.001+01:00

Can you spot the blatant stalker in this picture? I should hope so, because it is blatant.

Flashback! Pop Quiz #1

More at JustJared.

Oh my god!

2007-06-17T20:37:00.000+01:00

Reggae Gold 2007 is out!

Featuring muthafuckin' MIMS!

Oooo, get her!

2007-06-15T17:45:00.000+01:00

Jake Gyllenhaal was pictured out and about in New York recently, wearing items from his very own, soon-to-be launched clothing line, JW can exclusively reveal. Gyllenhaal has followed in the footsteps of Kate Moss and pop sensation Lily Allen by designing a range for a top British clothing store, BHS. Named 'GyllenCouture', the clothes will be available for sale from August 1st across BHS shops in the UK with international customers being able to purchase stock from the online store.

Gyllenhaal says, 'When I saw Kate Moss's floral jumpsuit on sale in Barneys, I just knew I had to do something myself. I very into textiles, which is a little known, almost secretive fact about me. I wanted to create clothes that were practical, yet nonfunctional, comfortable, yet itchy, with buttons and velcro. I wanted like, old world meets new, I call it Nouveau Pensioner Chic. Would you like a pretzel?"

One things for sure, the fashion world is going mad and experts predict the range will sell out within hours and knock-off produce will be flying out of China in hours. Karl Lagerfield, top designer and rampant nutbag, is reported to have said of the range, 'It's very, um, New Jersey. What's that smell? Is it you?', whilst Dontella Versace commented, 'I'm flying to London as soon as, I simply need this knitwear." Kate Moss was unavailable for comment.

Gyllenhaal is unconcerned about the pressures he faces with this change of career, simply stating, "I want people to be cosy in my clothes....and a little sweaty."

More items from the 'GyllenCouture' Range....

When Jake news abounds, Jake Watch has it covered.

2007-06-13T23:31:00.001+01:00

Jake called me last night and said, "PG, I'm sorry I never loiter outside your apartment anymore," and I was like, "It's OK, but maybe you could try to be a little more sensitive towards my feelings," and he was like, "Yeah, that's why I'm calling. I wanted to tell you that I'm on board with the Presidential thing." And I was like, "No way!" and he was like, "Way!" and I was like, "No way!" and we did that for a while until I said, "Thank God, because I already hand-pressed 2 million 'Jake in '08' buttons," and he was like, "Neat. Look, I'm doing some research right now and I'm looking at doing this play based on Howard Dean's 2004 Presidential campaign," and I was like, "Holy shit. You do love me! If you don't go through with this, I'll resign as your campaign manager."

And then Jake said, "But PG, I have even more news! I've made People Magazine's Hottest Bachelor's edition!" And I pretended to be really excited but in my mind I added People Magazine to my boycott list because they ranked McConnaughey ahead of the Gyllenhaal which pretty much puts them in the same category as Satanists and people who don't use their turn signals. Freaking McConnaughey, people! He continues to be our greatest challenge in "hot men" listing world...

Then today I was reading through some stuff by the posers over on Gawker (I think we could probably give them a run for their money when it comes to gawking and stalking; am I right?) and found out that Jake had lunch with Mario Batali which for some reason made people think he was Rock Hudson. Huh?

And last but not least, britpopbaby and I are moving into the family home in the next couple of days thanks to the overwhelming generosity of you, the readers. We raised $12.50. We're covered, though, on the $20,000 because brits sold her liver on the black market and I agreed to go without food or water for the next month.

Here's a picture of Jake wearing an Alf shirt because that just never gets old:

Outside your apartment? BITE ME!

2007-06-12T13:47:00.000+01:00

Everyone in the entire world is having a New York Jake encounter, including some random people who call themselves "fans," aka people who look out their apartment window and see things like Jake Gyllenhaal walking by. Fans?! Talk to me after you've spent an entire Saturday putting Jake's head on a woman's body, OK?
You know what I see when I look out my apartment window? NOT Jake Gyllenhaal!

As if that wasn't enough, then my Facebook buddy Nicole wound up in a freaking pap picture with him (in the shorts, directly behind him).
You know what I see when I look at pap pictures of Jake? NOT ME! Nicole has also met (no lie) David Boreanaz; ergo, I sort of hate her. You know what she hasn't done? Nominated Jake for President. Where's the love, Gyllenhaal? Where is the love?

Fan encounter #1 HERE. Fan encounter #2 at IHJ.

Jake probably slept there more than one time...

2007-06-11T18:18:00.000+01:00

Okay, guys, I gotta be straight up with you here. Prophecy Girl and I have, in the past, used the funds amassed in the Jake Watch Piggy Bank for less than honourable means. There was obviously a lot of gin involved at the time and maybe the Guadalupe Foreign Embassy but, y'know we've forgiven ourselves and so has Mayor Lupe Alvarez.

So the deal is, we're pretty low on cash. Usually we wouldn't hassle you with our financial troubles but they come at an imperative time as a opportunity as golden as Reese Witherspoon's hair has landed in our laps. The Gyllenhaal Seniors are putted their property up for rent for a mere $20,000 a month. Peanuts! Dry roasted peanuts! The prospect of having Jake Watch coming at you from inside the very confines of Gyllenhaal Towers is surely the most interesting news you've ever read in your life.

Now, I know what you're thinking, obviously we're close personal friends of the Gyllenhaals and they should probably just let us stay at their house for three months completely free of charge, with a block of brie and the pool boy thrown in, but apparently times are hard and house-sitters are few.

So, basically, we need to raise $19,998 to get our foot in the door, literally. If you would like to see this ludicrous suggestion become a reality, please give irresponsibly. We'd like to take stalking to a whole new level.

(Click to enlarge.)

Pictures from The Real Estalker, the self-titled 'Real Estate Porn Blog'. Read story HERE.

Apparently the fire pit is a bit cliche now, so Prophecy Girl and I will rip it out and replace it with a hog roast. Also, those steps after our daily gin allowance? Deathtrap. Some kind of all-weather Stanner stair lift needs to go there. Sofas, outside? Plastic white chairs are surely more pratical? And I'm not sure about all that birch either. It gives off a slight vibe of wildlife conservation centre. Paint? And where are the pink flamingos? Do you people have no sense of American pride? What? We'd be doing you a FAVOUR, Gyllenhaals.

JAKE SINGS BROKEBACK THEME SONG TO CROWD OF MILLIONS

2007-06-10T00:52:00.000+01:00

No, he didn't. The headline was a total lie, but it did grab your attention, did it not? That is the purpose of headlines.

To the surprise of none, Jake has shown up in New York after his lollipop-laden departure from LAX earlier this week. But to the surprise of many, it appears Jake was not in town to visit with his various family members and friends who sometimes live there, but rather to jump-start his singing career. Yes, heading down the well-traveled path carved by Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Eddie Murphy before him, Jake is jumping the acting boat so that he may swim to the shores of a career of pop music. This news should come as a surprise only to those of you who believe what you read on Jake Watch.

The real scoop?

Jake read the spoken-word portion of the song "Between My Legs" (scandalous!) at a Rufus Wainwright concert last night, surprising the rightfully delighted crowd. Roughly 24 hours later, I stole the above picture from poster "agnusday" on a Rufus Wainwright message board and then made up a fake headline. Thank you, agnus. Please don't sue.

More HERE and HERE.

Major props to get real, who essentially did this post for me. :)

Frankie Explains...

2007-06-08T19:19:00.000+01:00

What’s up, me mockers? Frankie here. As Air Gunner’s manager, I’m responsible for all aspects of his career. Now I know there’s been some right Auntie’s Bloomers knocking round ‘bout the lad. What can I say? Comes with the territory. Last I heard they was all banging on about some twist ‘n’ twirl called Reese. Well, I wrote Air Gunner an British Rail, asking ‘im what all the commotion was about. Look, guv’nor, I said, there’s only so many ways we can play this game of gin rummy. I say we call River Nile. I don’t want my star buck running a’ muck with some divorce horse, especially since my Jesse Metcalfe is on the blink.

Well, he got right on the blower to me and promised not to get in a lick with this lass. What can I say? Boy done good. I also asked him to stop biking with that Armstrong as nut cancer does not sell movies. And McConaughey too, as McConaughey does not sell movies neither.

Hope that makes everything crystal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go for a gypsy.

GYLLENHAAL LEAVES TOWN AS THE FALLOUT OF HILTON'S IMPRISONMENT PROVES TOO MUCH

2007-06-07T07:42:00.000+01:00

"Hey, are you my ride?"

Hot off the press!

2007-06-06T01:24:00.000+01:00

Shocking! The latest in Jake news hits streets today.

Flashback.

Chariots of Fire

2007-06-04T18:20:00.000+01:00

From some highly dependable rag:

Jake Gyllenhaal, always fan-friendly, was jogging through Runyon Canyon near L.A when two ladies begged him to pause for an autograph. "Sorry, but I can't stop," huffed exercise-nut Jake - who was wearing a gadget to track his heart rate and calories. "I'm monitoring my cardio workout, and if I stop I'll have to start all over." But when the persistent gals started jogging right alongside him, Jake cracked up and genially jotted his John Hancock without breaking stride!

Oh god, is he like the best celebrity EVER or what? Running AND writing, together! Some of them can't even drink and drive at the same time. Honestly Jake, it's shit like this that puts you up there, brother.

THE ALL NEW JW.com MEANS BUSINESS

2007-06-01T16:53:00.000+01:00

So what does it all mean, Alfie? Jake Watch is going back to it's roots and by roots, we mean the drunken idea britpopbaby had for an ironic fansite after spending a night on the beach with Liquid Cocaine, not what actually made it on to Blogspot originally. Honestly, some of you may not like it, others will love it.

For futher discussions on what exactly the all new Jake Watch involves, join us in the Forum where I'll answer all questions. In the meantime, we introduce you to our 'new' team of writers (Louella and Anneka to be added soon).

Also: Design is not completely finished so bear with us!!

JAKE BRINGS BACK UNABOMBER LOOK

2007-05-30T14:52:00.000+01:00

He was photographed in LA recently, uncharacteristically wearing sunglasses and sneakers and carrying a beverage cup.

(ANYTHING to get us off the peeing in a wave tank discussion.)

More at IHJ!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

2007-05-27T19:59:00.000+01:00

"Like any other sane person, I do not want to be judged by my looks. If somebody compliments me on my looks - which I did nothing to get - it has no value for me whatsoever. I would rather deal with people who appreciate me for what I do in my movies. All those lists about Most Sexy Males on earth, that appear in magazines quite often, all disappear when a new sexy actor appears on the horizon. A good acting performance will withstand the test of time. At least, I hope."

Oh quit whining, Jessica Alba.

Sourced from some interview, somewhere by someone at some point.

THE MOST CONFUSING INTERVIEW YOU'LL EVER WATCH

2007-05-26T17:05:00.001+01:00

Dailymotion blogged video
Jake Gyllenhaal au Grand Journal de Cannes
Video sent by Rubyowen

(Click the link below the video for a larger version.)

Jake, I don't care what the French tell you, you don't look like a 65-year-old man. Big thanks to Carla for finding this! And if you can stick it through till the end, the now-infamous "Night Fever" cover awaits you.

ZODIAC COVER ART: EXERCISES IN CREATIVITY

2007-05-23T15:02:00.000+01:00

This is a terrible DVD cover. Let's discuss.

1. What the HELL is up with that picture of the Gyllenhaal?
2. No, seriously, how did they even GET a picture of Jake looking like that?
3. Come on, are we even 100% sure that that's Jake? We have been fooled before (heh).

On the upside, the actual word "Zodiac" does look quite nice.

More info HERE and HERE.